FUNNY JOKES - March

Funny Anagrams:
> >
> > David Ginola
> > Vagina dildo
> >
> > Teddy Sheringham
> > Teddy Minge rash
> >
> > Ossie Ardiles
> > Arse is soiled
> >
> > Diego Maradona
> > O dear, I'm a gonad
> >
> > Tony Blair PM
> > I'm Tory plan B
> >
> > Virginia Bottomley
> > I'm an evil Tory bigot
> >
> > Michael Heseltine
> > Elect him, he's alien
> >
> > David Mellor
> > Dildo marvel
> >
> > Dame Agatha Christie
> > I am a right death case
> >
> > The Metropolitan Police Force
> > I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
> >
> > Benson and Hedges
> > NHS been a godsend
> >
> > Selina Scott
> > Elastic snot
> >
> > Mel Gibson
> > Big melons
> >
> > Gloria Estefan
> > Large fat noise
> >
> > Chris Rea
> > Rich arse
> >
> > Martina Navratilova
> > Variant rival to a man
> >
> > Gabriela Sabatini
> > Insatiable airbag
> >
> > Irritable Bowel Syndrome
> > O my terrible drains below
> >
> > Evangelist
> > Evil's Agent
> >
> > Desperation
> > A Rope Ends It
> >
> > The Morse Code
> > Here Come Dots
> >
> > Mother-in-law
> > Woman Hitler
> >
> > Semolina
> > Is No Meal
> >
> > A Decimal Point
> > I'm a Dot in Place
> >
> > Eleven plus two
> > Twelve plus one
> >
> > President Clinton, of the USA
> > To copulate, he finds interns
> >
> > And a final one ....
> >
> > Motorway Service Station
> > I eat coronary vomit stews.
* * * * * * * * *
5 Kinds of Sex

1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
room.....

THE END
* * * * * * * * *
A man decides to stop and get something to eat since he has
been driving for 4 hours. He pulls into the first restaurant
he sees and orders a hamburger and a drink. The waitress
comes back with his meal. The man says
"Why is my food so big..."

So after eating some of his gigantic meal, the man asks where
he can find the washroom. The waitress tells him to go down a
hall and take a left. He walks down the hall and to the left
and falls into a pool. Right away the man yells
"Don't Flush!"
* * * * * * * * *
Top 10 Things Your Girlfriend Will Never Say To You:

4. 50% off shoe sale? I don't have time, I have to run out and get your beer for the game tonight.

7. Honey, would you mind if I put my cheerleader uniform on over this lingerie you just bought me?

8. I liked all the housekeepers we interviewed today, but I think we should hire the one with the big tits.

9. I forgive you for sleeping with my sister. You're right, she does look just like me in that blue outfit. It was an honest mistake.

10. My parents just said we're allowed to have sex while we do our homework.
* * * * * * * * *
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk
my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never
had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.
You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called
golf."
* * * * * * * * *
>> It was so cold last winter.
>>
>> How cold was it?
>>
>> I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
* * * * * * * * *
"WHAT IT IS...."

Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace never used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?

The answer is: "A Last Name "
* * * * * * * * *
"WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS...."

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton
* * * * * * * * *
Know you're a Redneck when.........
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
* * * * * * * *
Bill and Hilary Clinton were married for 40 years. When
they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hilary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it
back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the
box, she was really curious as to why.

That evening while they were out for a special dinner
Hilary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying "I am so sorry. For all these years
I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
the bed. However today the temptation was too much and
I gave in. But now I need to know why you keep the cans
in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
these years you deserve to know the truth.Whenever I
was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the
box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hilary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed
and saddened but I guess after all these years away
from home on the road, temptation does happen and I
guess that 3 times is not bad considering the years
we've been together."

A little while later Hilary asked Bill "Why do you have
all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box got full of cans, I
cashed them in."
* * * * * * * * *
"LIFE...."

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time
to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant
atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.

10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
* * * * * * * * *
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at
"Lovers Cove" where they were making out. The guy thought
that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get
lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask
her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got
pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and
the guy even had her pants unzipped.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy
asked, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up
here with you."
* * * * * * * * *
Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may
I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile.

"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman
givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman.

The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I
will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience
of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women
in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil
glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"

The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken,
and he had no health insurance.
* * * * * * * * *
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't
seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring
each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands,
their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their
sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no
big adventure, how's yours?"

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that
you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."
* * * * * * * * *
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "you
are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your
daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the
back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing b*stard!!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of
these outbursts from you or I shall hold you in contempt!
Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court
stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door
to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a f***ing
spanner he said he didn't have one!!"
* * * * * * * * *
21 Slogans to Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armour will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!
* * * * * * * * *
Three aspiring psychiatrists attended their first class on
emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to
the student from the University of Texas, "What is the
opposite of Joy?
"Sadness," responded the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the student from Harvard.
"Elation" was her reply.
"And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How
about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, that would be giddy-up."

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
* * * * * * * * *
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
* * * * * * * * *
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
Who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
Martinis a day.

Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening..

Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
An occasional beer and never committed adultery.

>>

>>

>>

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
* * * * * * * * *
John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"
* * * * * * * * *
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
* * * * * * * * *
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't!!
* * * * * * * * *
(o)(o) perfect breasts

( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts
* * * * * * * * *
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !
* * * * * * * * * *
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.

"I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"
* * * * * * * * *
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
>
>
>
> This is how it manifests itself:
>
>
> I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car
> and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected
> from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I
> wash
> the car.
>
>
> I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under
> the table, and notice that it is full.
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish
> first.
>
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out
> the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>
>
> I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque
> left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so
>
> I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been
> drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside
> so
> that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it
> cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
> worktop
> catches my eye - they need water.
>
>
> I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've
> been
> searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
> The
> flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with
> water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the
> kitchen table.
>
> I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote
> control, but I
> won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
> in
> the front room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
> floor.
>
> So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe
> up
> the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>
>
>
> At the end of the day:
>
>
>
> - the car isn't washed
>
>
> - the bills aren't paid
>
>
> - there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop
>
>
> - the flowers don't have enough water
>
>
> - there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
>
>
> - I can't find the remote control
>
>
> - I can't find my glasses
>
>
>
> - and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
>
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
>
>
> I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail.
>
>
> Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
>
>
> Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
>
>
>
> Now where was I?
* * * * * * * * *
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
* * * * * * * * *
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how
is everything going?' enquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem.
It is these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came
in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And
God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'you know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now let's see............

where did I put that useless tit?

Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than all that crap about a spare rib?
* * * * * * * * *
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts
What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? Forty five pounds
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? Forty five minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside
What did the blond say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? Different bar
What do you call an Italian who has one arm shorter than the other? Speech impediment
How do you get a sweet 80 year old lady to say the F word? Have another 80 year old lady yell BINGO!
Why is there no Disney-land in China? No one's tall enough to ride the good rides
* * * * * * * * *
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About
two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house.

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