FUNNY JOKES - March

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot Fashion exclaimed........

'And all these years I've been chewing gum.'
* * * * * * * * *
>A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
> first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
> directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
>
> The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
> together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
> in evident agony.
>
> The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
> 'Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
> relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him earnestly.
>
> 'Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he
> replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
> his hands together in his groin.
>
> But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
> took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
> and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
> him 'How does that feel?'
>
> He replied 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'
* * * * * * * * *
Osama Bin Laden has send a message to President George W Bush, to let him know he's still alive:

'--------3 7 O H S S V ---------
-----------O 7 7 3 H -----------'

Bush is baffled..,

Even the CIA, the FBI and NSA can't decipher the message.

They then ask Britains MI6 for help...

MI6 replies....:

'Tell the President he's holding it upside down.........'
* * * * * * * * *
A big woman walks into a City Bar in a sleeveless dress. Raising her right arm and exposing a huge hairy armpit, she bellows, "which of you men in here is gonna buy a lady a drink?" All the guys in the place looked away,preten that they hadn't heard and definitely not wanting to get involved. Then, a little drunk guy sitting on his own says. " Buy the Ballerina a drink." The big woman knocks it back and goes through the same routine,arm up in the air showing big hairy armpit, etc., The little guy again says. " Buy the Ballerina a drink." This happens several more times and the barman leans over and says. " Look mate, it's your money and you can buy whoever you like a drink, but why do you keep calling her The Ballerina." The drunk replies. " She's got to be a Ballerina..who else could lift their leg that high.?"
* * * * * * * * *
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
* * * * * * * * *
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a
Dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"
* * * * * * * * *
Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless in New York

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one.
* * * * * * * * *
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door the trucker lowers the window, and she says,

'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. And
as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,

'Hi, my name is Sharon , and you are losing some of your load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window again she says,

'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green,
the trucker revs up and races to the next light when he stops this time,
he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.......

>
>

>
>

.........Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a gritter!

* * * * * * * * *
A guy applies for a job making rock at the Skegness Rock Co. When asked if he had any experience, he stated that he had over twenty years of making rock at the Blackpool Rock Co. When asked why he had left, he said that he had had a serious disagreement with the foreman and had given up his job. He said that it was a private matter and that he had lost his temper, big time, but had no regrets. He said that he was a very good worker and used to produce two miles of Blackpool Rock every day,which is seriously good production.

The Skegness Co., interviewer told him that he was impressed and providing the Blackpool Co., verified the two mile a day output,he would be offered the job.

The interviewer rang the Blackpool Rock Co., and they verified everything.The interviewer thanked them and said. "Can you tell me what the argument with the foreman was about." The cautious reply. "Afraid not, it was a private matter, but it's true that he does have a temper."

The interviewer thanked him once more and got the reply. "No problem..and by the way..if you hear of anyone in the trade who wants to buy two miles of rock with

>>
>>
>>

"BOLLOCKS" written through the centre.......please get in touch."
* * * * * * * * *
A husband and wife had been playing the part of the cow in the local village hall version of Jack And The Beanstalk. After the finale,they had a few drinks with the rest of the cast and then decided to walk home still wearing the cow costume and taking a short cut over a field,as that way, they would be home in minutes. Half way across the field, they were approached by a large bull and they adopted the "Panto Cow" position, gradually creeping towards the far side of the field. The bull patiently followed, nudging the "cow" in the backside. Getting no response from the "cow", he reared up displaying his intentions very prominently.The wife whispered frantically. "Bloody Hell! look at that thing,what are we going to do?" Her old man says. "I'm going to eat grass..you had better brace yourself."
* * * * * * * * *

The Value of Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~ Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be h appy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them
~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
* * * * * * * * *
> A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
> work.
> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
> the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
> She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy
> is in there already.
> The little boy says, "Dark in here."
> The man says, "Yes, it is."
> Boy - "I have a football."
> Man - "That's nice."
> Boy - "Want to buy it?"
> Man - "No, thanks."
> Boy - "My dad's outside."
> Man - "OK, how much?"
> Boy - "£250"
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the Lover are
> in the cupboard together.
> Boy - "Dark in here."
> Man - "Yes, it is."
> Boy - "I have football boots."
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
> Boy - "£750"
> Man - "Sold."
>
> A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
> and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
> The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> Boy, "£1,000."
> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
> that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
> to church and you are to confess."
> They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
> confessional and he closes the door.
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
> The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard
> now"

* * * * * * * * *
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of
Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they
went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic
cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite
lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation...'I meant my dress size, you bloody idiot !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna
get it wrong.....

* * * * * * * * *
Baked Beans
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

* * MaRch '07 JoKes * *

Important things to a man....

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

From ~ Bubba
* * * * * * * * *

GOOD HUMOR - BAD ADS

..2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

..Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

..A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

..Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

..For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

..Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

..Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.

..Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

..Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

..We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

..For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

..For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

..Great Dames for sale.

..Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

..Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

..Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

..Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

..Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

..Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

..Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.

..Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.

..Stock up and save. Limit: one.

..For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

..Man, honest. Will take anything.

..Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

..Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

..UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

..Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

..Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

..Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

..3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

..Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

..Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

..Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.

..Illiterate? Write today for free help.

..Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.

..Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

..And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.

..We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

From Deano
* * * * * * * * *
The subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what
that means after you finish taking the "test".
>> >
>> >
Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.
Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..
>> >
You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using
your mind.
>> >
>> >
You'll be surprised.
>> >
>> >
Start:
How much is:15 + 6
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 3 + 56
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 89 + 2
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >12 + 53
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >75 + 26
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 25 + 52
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 63 + 32
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
Come on, one more...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 123 + 5
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Scroll further to the bottom...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >A bit more...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
>> >different, if not abnormal, mind.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

From Jenny
* * * * * * * * *

"Rob how are you today" says Andrea.
"I am feeling very depressed don't know what's wrong with me feeling down all the time just don't want to be here any more this place really getting me down" says Rob.
"Its the time of year everybody seems to be down" says Andrea.
"If its not raining when i get home i am going to get myself a bloody rope and i am going up the mountain and......"says Rob.
Andrea butts in and pats him on the shoulder and says" Don't be so bloody stupid"
"What you mean i am going to build myself a swing to cheer myself up."

From ~ Bob

* * * * * * * * *
>>fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
>>Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny fftiy fvie precnet of plepoe can.
>>
>>i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
>>rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a
>>rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr
>>the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the
>>frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
>>taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is
>>bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
>>the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
>>slpeling was ipmorantt!

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third
woman fainted.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their
business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing
article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in
the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance
cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never
study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans
for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank
robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't
followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no
longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want
to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his
mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to
plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of
the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She
hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another
teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next
in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities
arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the
back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on
an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in
East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house,
where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a
note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope."
The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them
and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a
diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.
They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida
who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They
drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in
the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark
points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in
San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot
himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the
hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had
no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls
moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.

From Sam
* * * * * * * * *
>A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door
>and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

>
> "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
> "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
> "Bullshit! There's no such place!"
> Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
>
>The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks
>the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
>She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
> "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone."
> "Yes it is," bartender answers.
> "Do you have huge golden doors?"
> "Sure do."
> "Do you have golden floors?"
> "Most certainly do."
> "What about golden urinals?"
> There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
> "Hey,Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"

> >This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
> >He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
> >
> >"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the removal service guy asks.
> >"Boy," is the man's response.
> >
> >"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."
> >
> >An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a dog, a shotgun, and
a
> >pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
> >
> >"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick
until
> >he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla's testicles
off.
> >The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to
> >put the handcuffs on."
> >
> >The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
> >
> >"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

For decades, two heroic nude statues, one male and one female, faced
each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from
heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes, in which time you can do anything you want." And
with a clap of the hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll
shit on its head."

let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6,
in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled off the road,
put the truck in 4-wheel drive,

and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said,

So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

a big thanks to everyone who sends us a joke
please keep them coming ~ share a smile or two
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~