A PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGE . . ENJOY
updated for February 2012
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Thoughts & Quips
For Those Who Take Life Toooo Seriously

NEW ONE EVERY MONTH
unless PC has the monk on or I'm on hols!
If you would like to contribute to this page I am only an email away

*Being "over the hill" . . . is much better than being under it
*Time is the best healer . . . but . . . it kills all it's students
*Santa Claus has the right idea . . . visit people only once a year
*Natural stupidity is better than . . . artificial intelligence
*Whoever said love was easy . . . couldn’t be more wrong! - Lauren-Elise Brush
*Live each day like it's your last . . . one day, you'll get it right
*Ever had amnesia and deja vu at the same time . . . I think I've forgotten this before
*By the time you find greener pastures . . . your too old to climb the fence.
*Rich men get divorced . . . poor men get an allotment.
*Stealing someone else's words . . . spares the embarrassment of eating your own.
*I don't eat health foods at my age . . . I need all the preservatives I can get.
*It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
*I wish the buck stopped here . . . I could use a few.
*If you think nobody cares . . . try missing a couple of payments.
*An unbreakable toy is useful . . . for breaking other toys.
*Learn from the weather . . . it pays no attention to criticism.
*If all is not lost . . . well, where the heck is everything?
*A good customer . . . never buys on special or gets a discount.
*If quizzes are quizzical . . . what are tests?
*Lead me not into temptation . . . I can find my own way there.
*People took LSD to make the world weird . . . now they take Prozac to make it normal.
*A knight in shining armour can . . . turn out to be a retard in tin foil.
*Life . . . is sexually transmitted.
*Effective way to remember the wife's birthday . . . forget it once.
*He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
*A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush.
*Why are stairs inside . . . and steps outside?
*I maybe a lonely scitzophrenic . . . but at least we have each other
*LOL or . . . I don't want to talk anymore
*Bad decisions . . . make good stories
*If money is the root of all evil . . . why do churches e.t.c. keep begging for it
*Experience is something you don't get until . . . just after you need it.
*Some days we are the bloody flies . . . some days we are the windscreen
*Without order nothing can exist . . . without chaos nothing can evolve
*Four out of every three people . . . have trouble with fractions
*If you loose your left arm . . . your right one will be left
*Ever stop to think . . . And forget to start again
*Very funny Scotty . . . now beam up my clothes.
*I wonder how many people . . . own the Earth's core . . . and who's at the bottom of my garden.
*At the end of every party . . . there is always someone crying
*Remember . . . morning 2 eggs, evening 2 pegs, night 2 legs
*Experience is what you get whenever . . . you don't get what you want
*Smile . . . makes people wonder what you're up to
*If you're going through Hell . . . keep going.
*Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
*Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned.
*If you have somethink to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth.
*If you think experts are expensive . . . wait and see what amateurs cost you.
*Afraid of doing too much . . . then you'll always do too little.
*Frustration is when you have ulcers . . . but still aren't a success.
*If the hokie-pokie isn't really what it's all about . . . what then, huh ?
*If you can't be a good example . . . you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
*Behind every successful man is . . . a very surprised woman.
*All the world's a stage . . . I seemed to have missed the rehearsal.
*I read about the evils of drinking . . . so I gave up reading.
*A fool and his money are soon . . . partying.
*Time is the best healer . . . unfortunately, it kills all its patients.
*I get enough exercise . . . just pushing my luck.
*Despite the cost of living . . . it still remains so popular.
*Where there's smoke . . . you'll find me cooking dinner
*If today is the first day of the rest of your life . . . what the hell was yesterday?
*I chose the path less traveled . . . but only because I was lost.
*Ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?
*Learn from your parents' mistakes . . . use birth control.
*A torch is a case . . . for keeping dead batteries and bulbs in.
*If at first you don't succeed . . . then skydiving isn't for you.
*Nothing's impossible for those . . . who don't have to do it.
*Given the capacity to be stupid . . . people will be.
*Some of the biggest gifts . . . come in the smallest birds
*Never take your sleeping tablets . . . at the same time as your laxitive tablets
*Get the facts first . . . you can distort them later
*As an outsider . . . what do you think of the human race.
*If everything is relative . . . what is everything else
*If practice makes perfect . . . how do you explain taxi drivers
*Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird . . . sleep late.
*A conscience is what hurts . . . when all your other parts feel so good
*My kids to me are the reason for everything . . . out of place, broken and dirty
*If you are going to walk on thin ice . . . you might as well dance
*You're just jealous . . . the voices only talk to me
*It takes many nails to build crib . . . but one screw to fill it
*Saving for that rainy day . . . chances are you'll stay at home.
*Friends are those rare people who ask how we are . . . then wait to hear the answer
*Never chase after person, bus or train . . . another one will always come along
*Work fascinates me . . . I could sit and watch it for hours
*Don't let aging get you down . . . It's too hard to get back up
*Why don't you slip into something more comfortable . . . like a coma
*Sometimes I need what only you can give me . . . your absence
*You are only young once . . . but you can stay immature indefinitely
*If they sound cute on the phone . . . add two stone
*Time flies like lightning . . . Fruit flies like bananas
*How does eating a pound box of chocolates . . . make you gain 5 lbs!
*When you're in it up to your ears . . . keep your mouth shut!
*Don't cry because it's over . . . smile because it happened
*My mind works like lightning . . . comes in flashes
*You laugh at me because I'm different . . . I laugh at you because you're all the same
*Forget the Joneses . . . I can't keep up with the Simpsons
*Living on this planet is getting so expensive . . . but it does include a free trips around the sun.
*I don't suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it
*I childproofed my house . . . but they still get in.
*We got rid of the kids . . . the cat was allergic.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is . . . simply to serve as a warning to others.
*We divorced over our religious differences . . . he thought he was God and I didn't.
*Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place.
* Remember everyone you meet . . . is fighting some sort of battle too.
*As you journey through life take a minute every now & then to give a thought for the other fellow . . . they could be plotting something
*You just want to have your cake and eat it . . . to right, what good is a cake if you can't eat it?
*Don't know what your problem is . . . but I bet it's hard to pronounce
*When you go into court . . . your in the hands of twelve people that aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
*Everything I can't find . . . I know is in a very secure place
*Don't go to bed angry . . . stay up and plot your revenge
*God makes the animals . . . Man makes himself
*Always remember you are unique . . . just like everyone else
*I can easily tell when he's lying . . . his lips move
*You've kept that fabulous figure all these years . . . and greatly added to it.
*Give your money to charities . . . the ones you'll need in old age
*Happiness is good health and . . . a bad memory
*I'm so cared for . . . eye care, long term care, private care, dental care..........
*Experience is a wonderful thing . . . you recognize a mistake when you make it again
*Borrowing money . . . find a pessimist
*Computers can do things really fast . . . like get you angry
*I gave up jogging for health reasons . . . my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire
*The rewards of age . . . are not for wimps
*Someone who thinks logically . . . is a nice contrast to the real world
*Trust in God, God understands all . . . except for legal small print
*Whatever hits the fan . . . never gets evenly distributed
*If ignorance is bliss . . . why aren't more people happy?
*Some things are just better rich . . . coffee, chocolate, men
*Beauty is in the eye of . . . the beer holder
*I still miss my ex . . . but my aim is getting better
*Treat your friend like . . . a parachute
*It's 'only' a game . . . 'only' if your team is winning
*A message to all virgins . . . Thanks for nothing
*Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes . . . then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have a new pair of shoes
*It's not a very good idea to lie . . . especially if you're in the middle of the road.
*If you look like your passport pic . . . you definately need the trip.
*Some days you're a pigeon . . . and some days you're the statue.
* Being punctual everytime . . . people will think you have nothing better to do.
*All good Christians go to church on Sundays . . . does going to a garage make you a mechanic.
*Ever been scared half to death . . . well don't do it twice.
*Housework?? . . . I sweep the room with a glance.
*I love cooking with wine . . . sometimes I even put it in the food.
*I try to take one day at a time . . . but sometimes several days attack me at once.
*A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door your on.
*It is tougher to loose weight as we age . . . body and fat have become such good friends
*Aim high, reach your goals . . . aim low, avoid disappointment
*Seen it all, done it all . . . can't remember any of it
*I thought about being born again . . . but my mother refused
*Always keep to a well balanced diet . . . a cookie in each hand
*If you have to choose between two evils . . . pick the one you've never tried before
*If you line up all the cars in the world end to end . . . someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them
*A penny saved is . . . a government oversight
*Bills travel through my mailbox . . . at ten times the speed of cheques
*Light travels faster than sound . . . true 'cos some twinkle before they speak
*Tell me what you need . . . I'll tell you how to get along without it
*How many of you believe in telekinesis? . . . Raise my hand
*Just when you think nothing will ever get better . . . everything gets dramatically worse
*Someday we'll look back on all this . . . and plow into a parked car
*Get a new car for your spouse . . . It'll be a great trade
*I'm happily married . . . but the wife isn't
*Rumors goes in one ear and out of . . . many mouths
*What happens if . . . you get scared half to death twice
*Always try to be modest . . . and be proud of it
*Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines
*And on the other hand . . . you have different fingers
*You don't suffer from stress . . . Your the carrier
*Support bacteria . . . They're the only culture some people have.!
*Inside every older person is a younger person . . . wondering what the hell
happened
*If everything seems to be going well . . . you have obviously overlooked something.
*I don't have an attitude problem . . . You have a perception problem
*Everyone has a photographic memory. . . Some just don't have the right film
*When everything is coming your way . . . you're in the wrong lane
*A day without sunshine is like . . . night (or Sheffield)
*A clear conscience . . . is the sign of a bad memory
*The early bird gets the worm . . . but the second mouse gets the cheese
*He who laughs last . . . thinks slowest
*99 percent of lawyers . . . give the rest a bad name
* I just got lost in thought . . . It was unfamiliar territory
* Life is like a box of chocolates . . . All the best ones have been nibbled at
*If you think experts are expensive . . . wait and see what amateurs cost you.
*Afraid of doing too much . . . then you'll always do too little.
*Frustration is when you have ulcers . . . but still aren't a success.
*If the hokie-pokie isn't really what it's all about . . . what then, huh ?
* I used to have a very open mind . . . but my brains kept falling out
*Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned
*If you have something to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth
* Remember . . . Half the people you know are below average.
*If you can't be a good example . . . then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
*Behind every successful man is . . . a very surprised woman.
*All the world's a stage . . . I seemed to have missed the rehearsal.
*I read about the evils of drinking . . . so I gave up reading.
*A fool and his money are soon . . . partying.
*Take care of your thoughts . . . they may become words.
*A perfect wife is one who helps the husband . . . with the dishes.
*Money can't buy happiness . . . it can certainly rent it for a while.
*Two wrongs dont make a right, but ... Three rights do make . . . a left.
*A conclusion is the place where you find yourelf . . . when tired of thinking.
*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence . . . a second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience

DUMB QUOTES . . MASSES of QUOTES . . CHAT-UP LINES

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