free sudoku puzzles

** SepT'. 2010 . JoKes **

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral a director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in Achnasheen.

As I was not familiar with the moors, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral was over and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only some diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....
* * * * * * *
Wage demand.

Filipino maid asked for a pay increase.
Wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .
She asked: 'Now Julita, why do you want a pay increase?'
Julita: 'Well, are three reason I want increase.'
The first is, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Julita: 'The secon' reason, I am better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Julita: 'Third reason is, I much better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Julita: 'No Madam...the gardener, he did.'
Pause---
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
* * * * * * *
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million... Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
* * * * * * *
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you!" asks the husband
>

>

>

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
* * * * * * *
An old priest lay dying in a Hospital in London . He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.
'I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die', whispered the priest.
'I'll see what I can do, Father', replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to number 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they drove to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected.'
Darling agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon Brown spoke: 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
'Amen', said Brown.
'Amen', said Darling.
The old priest continued: 'Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same...'
* * * * * * *
SALULAH
Vodacom : How may we help you?

Customer : This is Julius Malema and I haff a big problem with my phone bill.. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Vodacom : Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before.
You must please trace these calls for me.

Vodacom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer : This one does.

Vodacom : What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer : A mobile. I tell you this.

Vodacom : No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

Customer : An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Vodacom worker continued.

Customer : Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer : For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. - Erection.

Another moment's silence from Vodacom, and suddenly the penny dropped.

Vodacom : Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer : For sure. C..E..L...L..U..L..A...R. - Salulah.
* * * * * * *
Children Writing About the Ocean...


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is a lways
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
* * * * * * *
Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off of work, but I knew the boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought if I acted crazy then he'd tell me to
take a few days off work.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss
would think I was 'CRAZY'And give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked 'What are you
doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her

..And where do you think you're going?'

 

She said,
'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
* * * * * * *
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died..........................................

I'm married to his bloody widow."
* * * * * * *
40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

A big thanks to Mike, Mick, John P., John, Jenni, Melanie, Chris, Jo and all the anons for the above funnies!!

please keep them coming ~ share a smile or two
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