PHIL BRODIE BAND'S
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FEBRUARY

FUNNY PICS ~ SPECIALS

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* * FeBRUARY 2012 JoKes * *

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Please, please, please make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy & The Hooker

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty quid ...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before,
but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'
* * * * * * * * *
Golden Oldie
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck... Get the fuck away from me.
* * * * * * * * *
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too fuckin late
and we're all gonna f*ckin' die.'
* * * * * * * * *
Ever since I was a child I've had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid
of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
I went to the local pub .....to think and the bartender ended up curing me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so?' 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

' Ain't nobody under there now! '
* * * * * * * * *
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
* * * * * * * * *
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the si nk, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATER MELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
* * * * * * * * *
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. A few seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Liverpool ...'

And they say blondes are dumb...
* * * * * * * * *
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with
the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them
in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke
no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the
rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head
to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to
the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi
pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at
every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three
days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that
the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were
staying right here.

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
* * * * * * * * *
A WOMAN'S POEM
>>
>> Before I lay me down to sleep,
>> I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
>> One who's handsome, smart and strong.
>> One who loves to listen long,
>> One who thinks before he speaks,
>> One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
>> I pray he's gainfully employed,
>> When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
>> Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
>> Massages my back and begs to do more.
>> Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
>> Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
>> I pray that this man will love me to no end,
>> And always be my very best friend.
>>
>>
>> A MAN'S POEM
>>
>> I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
>> huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
>> and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
>> doesn't rhyme and I don't give a cuss.
>> The End
* * * * * * * * *
Q. What food diminishes a womans' sex drive by 90%?
A. Wedding Cake.
* * * * * * * * *
A Busy Day In Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator........."
* * * * * * * * *
Did you hear about the newlywed dyslexic couple who were tragically killed on their honey moon?

They broke their necks trying to do a 96!
* * * * * * * * *
Personal ad

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?".

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

A big thanks to Peter, Len, Mike A., Mike Y., Jenny, Melanie, Jo 90, John M, Rocky, John P, and the anons for the above funnies!!

please keep them coming ~ share a smile or two

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