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APRIL. JOKES . MUSIC QUIZ . APRIL

APRIL SNIPPITS

A Thought: Her only flair is . . . in her nostrils ... more

Did You Know: Golden retrievers ranked at No. 1 for having the loudest bark in the world at 113 decibels, according to Guinness World Records. The second-loudest bark recorded was from a German shepherd at 108 decibels, which is equally as loud as a power saw. In 2015, Charlie, a six-year-old golden retriever from Adelaide, Australia claimed the record for the loudest bark clocking 113.1 decibels to displace Daz, the German shepherd from London who registered a bark of 108 decibels in 2009 ... more

Words: COACH - From the Hungarian word, kocsi, a horse-drawn wagon with springs above the axles. Named after the village of Kocs in which this type of vehicle was invented. The verb 'to coach' is also derived from this root .. and a FORGOTTEN/LOST WORD: JACKPUDDING ~ a noun meaning a “merry-andrew” or “a zany” — in other words, a joker who acts the fool to make other people laugh. Originally a buffoon/jester who performed pudding tricks, such as swallowing a certain number of yards of black-pudding. Countries name its stage buffoon from its favourite viands: The Dutchman calls him Pickel-herringë; the Germans, Hans Wurst (John Sausage); the Frenchman, Jean Potage; the Italian, Macaroni; and the English, Jack Pudding.... more

Music: The seven letters, spelling Genesis, on the album cover of "Turn It On Again: The Hits" by Genesis .... are all parts of different album cover logos over the years. They are as follows: The "G" is from ...And Then There Were Three; The first "E" from the second "E" on We Can't Dance (the first "E" on that album's cover was reversed). The "N" is from Calling All Stations (with a different colour scheme; this was reverted on the 2007 re-issue). The second "E" is from The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway and the first "S" from Duke; the "I" from Genesis and the second "S" is from Invisible Touch... more

It's a First: "First Married Man to Give Birth" - Thomas Trace Beatie, a trans man, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002 and became known as "The Pregnant Man" after he became pregnant through artificial insemination in 2007. His first pregnancy resulted in an ectopic pregnancy with triplets, requiring emergency surgery and resulting in the loss of all three fetuses. Since then, Thomas has given birth to three children..... more

Wit or Wisdom!:
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they turn it into TV shows" - Woody Allen ... more

FUN THINGS .

FUNNY PLACE NAMES . .... SUPERSTITIONS .... .IT'S A RECORD ., . .PC - NERD .

YOUR GRIPES ... .R U A REDNECK . .. .DUMB QUOTES . . JIG-SAW PUZZLE

TONGUE TWISTERS . . RHYMING SLANG . . ..BINGO LINGO . . . GREAT OLDIE HITS

.. CHAT-UP LINES .... HALLOWEEN SPECIAL.. . . WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM . .

. MUSO ANAGRAMS ... .ALL SHOOK UP - ANAGRAMS . . . BRAIN TEASER . .

MUSO JOKES . . GASMS . . LOVELY LATIN . . MAGIC . . EBAY SONG

. . ESCAPE IF YOU CAN . . SUN SIGN CHARACTERS . . . DR PHIL'S TEST

HALL OF FAME . . WALK OF FAME . . ROCK WALK . . CELEB REAL NAMES . . BAND NAMES

THE NAKED MEN CLOCK
(CLICK ON CLOCK TO CHANGE)

.QUIZZES .
APRIL MUSIC QUIZ
*
NEXT LINE * WARPS * 123 = ABC * MATHS * PROVERBS
*

free sudoku puzzles



* * ApRiL '17 JoKes * *

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank.
He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly coloured one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs,
then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
* * * * * * * * *

A young couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitations, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small pen*s.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”

“Just take two,” the mother replied. “The rest are for your father.
* * * * * * * * *

“I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud,
so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After 3 or 4 of songs, I felt much better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.”
* * * * * * * * *
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........


"What . . . ....

You're coming empty handed?"
* * * * * * * * *
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
* * * * * * * * *
A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, he would say “Thank God” and for it to stop he would have to say “Amen”.

So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.

“Whew,” he said. “Thank God.”
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
* * * * * * * * *
PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
"Three," ? ... suggested Shaun.
* * * * * * * * *
Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
* * * * * * * * *
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

* * * * * * * * *
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man.
"So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot.
“My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake”

* * * * * * * * *
Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?
A: "Cheap, cheap!"
* * * * * * * * *
Of course women don’t work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.

What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence?
A widow.

How can you tell if a man is lying?
You can see his lips moving.

Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Why did God create man first?
Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says….”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Men are like…..Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Why did god invent men?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
* * * * * * * * *
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline
and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is so thrilled,
"This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
* * * * * * * * *
Scientists have long been curious about why no penguin corpses are found on the ice pack. What happens to their bodies when they die?

The mystery has now been solved.

It turns out that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family, generally mates for life, and usually maintains contact with its offspring throughout its life.

When a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, members of the family and social circle dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.
* * * * * * * * *
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:


•A "don't remind me again" button.
•Minimize button.
•Ability to delete the "headache" file
•An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
•An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!


Virus Alert
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.


FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!
* * * * * * * * *
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!”
The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse.
“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language

* * * * * * * * *

Q. Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A. Because the farmer had cold hands.

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