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* * JULy. .'09 JoKeS * *

• He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
  Your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
• The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
• The Sheriif verbally explodes saying,
  'Mister, I have the authority of the
  Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching
  Into his rear pant pocket and
  Removing his badge. The officer proudly
  Displays it to the farmer.
  'See this badge? This badge means
  I am allowed to go wherever
  I wish..on any land. No questions asked
  Or answers given.
  Have I made myself clear?
  Do you understand?'
• The old farmer nods politely and
  Goes about his chores.
• Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
  And spies the Sheriff running for
  His life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
  With every step the bull is gaining ground
  On the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
• The old farmer immediately throws down
  His tools, runs to the fence and yells
  At the top of his lungs.....
• 'Your badge!
  Show him your badge Smartass!
  
• * * * * * * * * * *
• Divorce VS Murder -- priceless
• A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
  looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
  cyanide.'
• The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
• The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
• The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'What?!? I can't give
  you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
  license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
  happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
• The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
  in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
• The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
  different.
• You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
• 
  * * * * * * * * * *
  Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said
  Alastair, I have a great idea! we are going to go all out to win back
  all of the labour voters we have lost to the tories.
  Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
  Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long barbour
  coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
  something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
  but be sure to remember not to mention the Hunting with dogs Act'
  Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from 10 Downing St.
  Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for &
  found a lovely country pub & with the dog, went up to the bar.
  Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood
  please' said Brown, good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, two pints of best is coming up'
  Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
  nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
  lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were cold and hungry, sadly neglected and were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.
  All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a
  grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the
  labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders &
  walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another
  wizened old farmer who followed the same procedure.
  To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender
  followed suit over the next hour.
  Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over and said tell me Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old Custom?
  Good Lord no,' said the landlord.
  'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.

  * * * * * * * * * *
• I can't stand women who scream during sex. Take the other night, she was getting a right shagging
  when she suddenly looked straight into my eyes and started screaming her head off.
• For f***s sake, as if it wasn't difficult enough..hanging on to a drainpipe, with one hand, three f****n' floors up, whilst trying to have a wank with the other, I nearly fell off. Downright rude of her I say.
• PS.
  I also find it rude when deaf people talk with food in their hands.
  * * * * * * * * * *
  Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, Opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
• * * * * * * * * * *
  Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.
  
  You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the
  lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are
  hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes
  on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with
  a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the
  middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to
  Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
  
  Depending on your age you might do the following:
  
  In your 20's:
  Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
  your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
  and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
  just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you
  went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
• In your 30's:
  Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
  married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
  your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
  favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is
  the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
• In your 40's:
  Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
  hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash
  your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want
  to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and
  do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register
  is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
  
  In your 50's:
  Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
  your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
  sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
  shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register
  smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you
  remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I
  Got Worms .'
• In your 60's:
  Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off
  your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope
  you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl
  running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you
  are not sure.
• In your 70's:
  Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
  prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The
  young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her
  grandfather.
  
  In your 80's:
  Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
  you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to
  think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone
  called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you
  at the front door.
• 
  * * * * * * * * * *
• *LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...
  Judy got married and had 13 children.
  Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
  She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
  Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
  Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
  Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
  Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
  He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
  "Lord, they are finally together."
  Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
  
  "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
• Margaret replied:....
  "I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
  * * * * * * * * * *
  IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
• Artery.......................... The study of paintings.
  Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
  Barium........................... What doctors do when patients die.
  Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
  Caesarean Section........A neighbourhood in Rome ..
  Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
  Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her.
  Colic........................... A sheep dog.
  Coma............................ A punctuation mark.
  Dilate......................... To live long.
  Enema............................ Not a friend.
  Fester........................... Quicker than someone else.
  Fibula......................... A small lie.
  Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known.
  Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
  Medical Staff...................... A Doctor's cane.
  Morbid............................ A higher offer.
  Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates.
  Node........................... I knew it.
  Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted.
  Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
  Post Operative.................. A letter carrier.
  Recovery Room................Place to do upholstery.
  Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.
  Secretion...................... Hiding something.
  Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
  Tablet........................... A small table.
  Terminal Illness................ Getting sick at the airport.
  Tumour..........................One plus one more.
  Urine........................... Opposite of you're out.
  * * * * * * * * * *
  INSTALLING A HUSBAND
  
  Dear Tech Support ,
• Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
• In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .
• Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
• Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
• What can I do?
• Signed,
  Desperate.
  * * * * * * * * * *
• DEAR DESPERATE ,
• First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
• Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
• However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .
• Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
• In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
• In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7..
  Good Luck!
  Tech Support

  * * * * * * * * * *

  One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole, and as he did a loud voice said,
  "There are no fish down there."
• He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's
  no fish down there."
• He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
• He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
• "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
  

  * * * * * * * * * *

  Wine and Water
  To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine..and those who don't.
  
  As Ben Franklin said:
  In wine there is wisdom,
  in beer there is freedom,
  in water there is bacteria.
• In a number of carefully controlled trials,
  scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
  (E.. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
• In other words, we are consuming
  1 kilo of poop.
• However, we do NOT run that risk when
  drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
  process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
  
  Remember:
  Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
• Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
  than to drink water and be full of shit.
• There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
  I'm doing it as a public service

  * * * * * * * * * *

  Gordon V Little Johnny
  Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and dropped in to one of the classrooms. The teacher and kids were discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asked the PM to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
• Gordon asked the kids if any knew the meaning of tragedy and to give an example.
• A boy held up his hand. "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was run over by his dad driving the tractor. That would be a tragedy."
• "No, that would be an accident." Gordon explained.
• A small girl stood up and offered. "If a school bus carrying fifty
  · children went over a cliff and everyone was killed." That would be a tragedy."
• "I'm afraid not". Said Mr Big, that is what would be called a great loss."
• The kids went quiet and started to shuffle about.
• Gordon looked around the classroom. "Anyone else? have a shot at it..just say what you think an example of tragedy might be."
• Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his arm.
  "If a plane carryin' you an' Mr Darlin' was to be hit by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens. THAT would be a tragedy."
• "Excellent!" Gordon exclaimed. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
• Little Johnny replied. "Well it has to be a tragedy, because, it definitely wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fuckin' accident, either!"

  * * * * * * * * * *

  The Lone Ranger's
• Last Request
• 
  The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
  by an enemy Indian War Party.
• The Indian Chief proclaims,
  
  "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
  
• 
  "In honour of the Full Moon,
  YOU will be executed in three days."
• "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
• "What is your FIRST request ???'
• The Lone Ranger responds,
  "I'd like to speak to my horse.."
  
  The Chief nods and Silver is brought
  before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
  Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
• Later that evening, Silver returns with
  a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
  As the Indian Chief watches,
  the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
  and spends the night.
• The next morning the Indian Chief admits
  he's impressed..
  "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
  "But I will still kill you in two days."
• "What is your SECOND request ???"
• 
  The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
  to his horse.
  Silver is brought to
  him,
  and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
• As before, Silver takes off and disappears
  over the horizon.
• Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
• Silver again returns, this time with a
  voluptuous brunette, more attractive
  than the blonde.
• She enters the Lone Rangers tent
  and spends the night.
• The following morning the Indian Chief
  is again impressed.
  "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
  "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
• 
  "What is your LAST request ???"
• 
  The Lone Ranger responds,
• "I'd like to speak to my horse, .. alone."
• The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
  and Silver is brought to
  the
  Lone Ranger's tent.
• Once they're alone,
  the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
  Looks him square in the eye and says,
• 
  Listen Very Carefully
• FOR... THE... LAST...F****N'... TIME.
• I SAID ...
• 
  "BRING POSSE"
  * * * * * * * * * *
  I've often been asked,
  'What do you do now that you're retired?'
• Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and scotch into urine."

  * * * * * * * * * *

  California 159 years ago
  Do you know what happened back in 1850, 159 years ago?
• California became a state.
  The State had no electricity.
  The State had no money.
  Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
  There were gunfights in the streets.
  
  So basically, it was just like California today, except the
  women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
  * * * * * * * * * *
  Gordon Brown is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.
• 
  The patient replies:
• "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
• Great chieftain O the puddin race,
• Aboon them a ye take yer place,
• Painch, tripe or thairm,
• As langs my airm."
• Brown is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
• The next patient responds:
• "Some hae meat an canna eat,
• And some wad eat that want it,
• But we hae meat an we can eat,
• So let the Lord be thankit."
• The PM is even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
• 
  "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
• O the panic in thy breasty,
• Thou needna start awasae hastie,
• Wi bickering brattle."
• Now seriously troubled, Brown turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
• "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
  * * * * * * * * * *
  TWENTY DOLLARS
  On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband
  and asked for $20..00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
  In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
  This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
  for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
  Arriving home around noon one day,
  she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
  During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
  was going through a process of corporate downsizing,
  and he had been let go.
  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
  another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
  and therefore, they were financially ruined.
  Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
  showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
  and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
  Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
  by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
  and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
  She explained that for the more than
  three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
  These holdings had multiplied and these were the
  results of her savings and investments.
  Faced with evidence of cash and investments
  Worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could
  barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
  "If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
  I would have given you all my business!"
  That's when she shot him.
  You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
  To keep their mouths shut.
  * * * * * * * * * *
  HAUNTED STREETS OF IRELAND
  1. The Dublin Ghost
• > This story happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds
  > like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
  >
  > John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
  > hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
  >
  > The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
  > could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come
  > towards him slowly and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without
  > thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door - only to
  > realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
  >
  > The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
  > curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
  > Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
  > window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
  > the hand repeatedly came through the window, but it never touched or
  > harmed him.
  > Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
  > so, gathering strength, he jumped
  > out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
  > out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
  > horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when
  > everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.
  >
  > Suddenly, the door opened and two other people walked in from the
  > stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
  > Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
  > the other...
  >
  > "Look, Paddy... there's that f...ing idiot that got in the car while we
  > were pushing it!"
• 
  * * * * * * * * * *
  THE VIBRATOR
• As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
• Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing? '
• The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
• The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
• To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty- five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone..'
• A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
  placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
• The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
• The wife asked: 'What the hell you doing?'
• The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

A big thanks to Mike, Mick, John P, John M, Jenni, Melanie, Jan, Eddie, Ken, Pete, Josh and all the anons for the above funnies!!

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