JOKES, JOKES AND MORE

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in.One day, Ethel is speeding up a corridor when a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he says in a firm, police like, voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"Ethel fishes around in her handbag on her lap and pulls out a kit-kat wrapper, which she then holds up for inspection."OK, all in order Ma'am", he says and off she goes on her way again.Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man steps out with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he says in a firm, police like, voice. "Have you got a valid tax permit for that thing?"Ethel fishes around in her handbag on her lap and pulls out a beer mat, which she then holds up for inspection."OK, all in order Ma'am", he says and off she goes on her way again.Going around one final corner, before the front door, a third man steps out, stark bollock naked, one arm outstretched and the other grasping a sizable erection."OH NO", exclaims Ethel, slamming on her brakes, "Not the breathalyser AGAIN!"
* * * * * * * * * * *

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
* * * * * * * * * * *

When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.

But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find the door won't lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' is handy, but empty.

You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume 'the position'.

You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'the position'.

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it's empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a new roll behind you no such luck.

Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday, the one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight.

So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.

If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.

The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself.

You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you more onto the hand blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!

You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's and unspoken understanding between you all.

A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.

Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this'.

As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?'

It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question why do women always go to the loos in pairs?

It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!
* * * * * * * * * * *

MY FLIGHT WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT,
WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE IN A GOOD MOOD AS HE SERVED US FOOD AND DRINKS.
AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND,
HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND TOLD US THAT
"CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."
ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED THIS WELL DRESSED AND RATHER ARABIC LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.
"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES
BUT I ASKED YOU TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE GROUND."
SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A PRINCESS AND I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."
TO WHICH (I SWEAR) THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT,
"WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY I'M CALLED A QUEEN, SO I OUTRANK YOU. TRAY-UP, BITCH."
* * * * * * * * * * *
DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident
where the Man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from his body
Because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honor their secret.
After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than
he ever had before!
All his Friends and relatives
just went on and on about his youthful Beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife,
and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said,
'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
* * * * * * * * * * *

Politically Correct!!
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED LADY."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She IS "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is A "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST I! IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She Is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "CHEAP TART" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." !
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ARSE" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
* * * * * * * * * * *
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
* * * * * * * * * * *
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
* * * * * * * * * * *
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned
the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said
'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George
said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have
to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two
fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said,
'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a
> honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first
> night together.
>
> In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
> breakfast.
>
> As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
> and
> Mary are up yet.
>
> She replies, 'No'.
>
> Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
>
> His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
>
> Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
>
> She replies, 'No.'
>
> Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
>
> His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
> school '
> After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up
> yet?'
>
> His mom says, 'No.'
>
> He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
>
> His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
>
> He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I
> gave him my airplane glue.
* * * * * * * * * * *

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b1tch in the kitchen.'
* * * * * * * * * * *
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK:-

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Gordon Brown'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Gordon Brown?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD!

Next week; David Milliband and Jeffery Archer.

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking
efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
* * * * * * * * * * *
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
* * * * * * * * * * *

===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work....
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
* * * * * * * * * * *

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Mini in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY :
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

FRIDAY :
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds
* * * * * * * * * *
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
Not yet,' she replied.
* * * * * * * * * * *

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

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> As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
> buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
> daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
> Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
> The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-nine years old, unmarried, and
> this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go
> away and leave me alone."
>
> The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
> side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
> daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
> To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad I'm
> thirty-nine, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get
> to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
>
> A couple days later, the wife comes home from a shopping trip, places the
> groceries on the kitchen counter, and hears that buzzing noise coming
> from, of all places, the living room. She enters and observes her husband
> sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The
> vibrator is next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asks,
> "What the hell are you doing?"
> The husband replied,
"I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or
other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of shit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cat Rules
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2:00 and 4:00 A.M.

The SAS, the Paras and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced double-tap. They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, still holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises with one eye nearly shut.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel.

"Alright, alright" says the squirrel,

I'm a fuckin' rabbit!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

· A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

· Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, (who was now living in England)
and said,

"England has become wicked and over-populated, and
I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of
every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah sweeping his yard,
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about
the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have
obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is
development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the
passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's
I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use
my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building
experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive
me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy England and lay waste
to everything that was once so great?"

"No," said the Lord.

"I'll leave it to your Prime Minister and his Government.

They're doing a much better job than I ever could"

A brand new lady of the evening had just finished her first client. When she came back down to the street corner, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She replied, "I told him that a straight lay was £100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him that oral would be £75, but he didn't have that much either."

"Finally I said, well how much do you have? The sailor said that he only had £25. So I told him for £25 all I can do is service you by hand."

"He agreed and after getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand."

The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery

I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must make love to me."

The nun agrees but and asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.

Any Send us anything FUNNY!! please email them for everyone to share

A big "thankyou" to everyone who has sent me the above jokes!

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