JOKES, JOKES AND MORE

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry, Sir' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons... Have a nice day'
* * * * * * * * *
Old lady gets stopped for driving at 102 mph: " Officer, I am speeding because, I have to get there before I forget where I'm going ".
* * * * * * * * *
Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words:

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry, you don't have Alzheimer's, you are just a pervert.
* * * * * * * * *
THE RIOTERS PRAYER

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Chavdom come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham , as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our ASBO's, as we happy slap those who got us our ASBO's against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Chavdom, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!
* * * * * * * * *
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

The teacher sat down and cried.
* * * * * * * * *
*The Hotel Bill
>
> An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her
> significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most
> expensive hotels.
>
> When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
>
> She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a
> nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an
> overnight stop without even breakfast."
>
> The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted
> on speaking to the Manager..
>
> The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced, "The
> hotel has an Olympic-sized pool, gym and jaccuzi, and a huge
> conference centre which are available
> for use."
>
> "But I didn't use them," she said.
>
> ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
>
> He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
> in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best
> entertainers from Edinburgh , Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here,"
> the Manager said.
>
> "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
>
> "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
>
> No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
> didn't use it!"
>
> The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and
> gave it to the Manager.
>
> The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam,
> this cheque is only made out for £50.00." *
>
> *''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
>
> "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
>
> "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have!"
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'…
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off… and falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Goodness me.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside… He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup ofcoffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to much drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
* * * * * * * * *
Only in America?

British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken"
* * * * * * * * *
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
* * * * * * * * *
The 6 affairs

The 1st Affair

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
* * * * * * * * *
The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra ( or was it Deano?)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
* * * * * * * * *
A Few Irish Jokes

The Irish have solved their fuel shortage problems. They imported 50 Million
Tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own Oil.
***
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for
A pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he
Said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'.
***
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
Wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I
Know, but she has a lovely personality.
***
After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going
To commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
Herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck
Soldier on..!
***
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his
Feet. "What are you doing" he asks. "Hanging myself", Paddy replies. "It
Should be round your neck" says the guard. "I tried that" says paddy
"but I couldn't breathe".
***
Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up
A nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing
This until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because
They're upside down!" says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy "Save
'em for the ceiling!!".

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral a director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in Achnasheen.

As I was not familiar with the moors, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral was over and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only some diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....
* * * * * * *
Wage demand.

Filipino maid asked for a pay increase.
Wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .
She asked: 'Now Julita, why do you want a pay increase?'
Julita: 'Well, are three reason I want increase.'
The first is, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Julita: 'The secon' reason, I am better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Julita: 'Third reason is, I much better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Julita: 'No Madam...the gardener, he did.'
Pause---
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
* * * * * * *
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million... Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
* * * * * * *
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
* * * * * * *
An old priest lay dying in a Hospital in London . He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.
'I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die', whispered the priest.
'I'll see what I can do, Father', replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to number 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they drove to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected.'
Darling agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon Brown spoke: 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
'Amen', said Brown.
'Amen', said Darling.
The old priest continued: 'Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same...'
* * * * * * *
SALULAH
Vodacom : How may we help you?

Customer : This is Julius Malema and I haff a big problem with my phone bill.. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before.
You must please trace these calls for me.

Vodacom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer : For sure. C..E..L...L..U..L..A...R. - Salulah.
* * * * * * *
Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is a lways
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
* * * * * * *
Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off of work, but I knew the boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought if I acted crazy then he'd tell me to
take a few days off work.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss
would think I was 'CRAZY'And give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked 'What are you
doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

She said,
'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
* * * * * * *
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died..........................................

I'm married to his bloody widow."
* * * * * * *
40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

Any Send us anything FUNNY!! please email them for everyone to share

A big "thankyou" to everyone who has sent me the above jokes!

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