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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * October 2011 JoKes * *

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the
car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in
bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great ' ' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'
* * * * * * * * *
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his
father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and
'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask
your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if
he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad........

Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof
* * * * * * * * *
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being one of the
fastest guns in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him that his great
ambition was to be a fast gun.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.
'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed
the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over
to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,'
said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Doc Holliday gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and mebbe it won't hurt as much.
* * * * * * * * *
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and says, “I’ll bet anyone in here a beer that my pet octopus here can play any instrument you bring before it.” So, a man brings up his bugle, and the octopus begins playing reveille. After downing his free beer, the man repeats his boast. Next a man walks up with a trombone. The octopus begins playing a Glenn Miller tune perfectly. Again the man drinks his beer and repeats his boast. This time, a man brings up some bagpipes. But instead of playing it, the octopus just looks confused. The man asks, “What’s the matter, can’t you play them?” To which the octopus responds, “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get it’s clothes off!”
* * * * * * * * *
From Punch Magazine 1957.

Bear in mind that they took no risks then either..Not much changed otherwise!!

Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same £100 isn't it?

A: Yes, but...

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?

A: Theoretically...

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that...

Q: When I lend them my £100 why don't I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?

A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

A. YOU GOT IT!
* * * * * * * * *
The Green Thing

In the line at the supermarket, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The checkout responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the Wales .

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
* * * * * * * * *
> A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
>
> 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.
>
> OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'
>
> The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
>
> To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know shit?
* * * * * * * * *
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Shurr," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish".
* * * * * * * * *
Confucius Say:

*~*~*~

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~

War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.

*~*~*~

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
* * * * * * * * *
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den a two asses come together. I come a once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and a pee twice. Then I come one a lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," complained the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who's a talkin' abouta sexa? Ima justa tellin' my friend how you a spella Mississippi."
* * * * * * * * *
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me??
Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!
* * * * * * * * *
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought at first it was wind.........................

But I was wrong!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man in London walked into the produce section

Of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him
That they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence,
He turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him,
So he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier,
We like people who can think on their feet here,
Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said,
"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager,
" My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy,
"Who'd she play for?"
* * * * * * * * *
The plane's Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence, that they're not getting along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oaaah, you no like Chinese? why?".. "You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.".. "Nooo, nooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.".. "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all the same." Another thirty minutes of silence. Then the First Officer says: "I not like Jews.".. "Why not? why don't you like Jews?".. "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.".. "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg, no mattah ... alla same."

* * October '10 JoKes * *

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
asses. The results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's still a
good man, and they would have married him anyway.
* * * * * * * * *
Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL IS OUT OF ORDER)
* * * * * * * * *
An old priest lay dying in a Hospital in London . He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.
'I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die', whispered the priest.
'I'll see what I can do, Father', replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to number 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they drove to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected.'
Darling agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon Brown spoke: 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
'Amen', said Brown.
'Amen', said Darling.
The old priest continued: 'Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same...'
* * * * * * * * *
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
* * * * * * * * *
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,
appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
lifesince I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and
after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to
mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold!

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail old body,
and said,"I wish I were young and full of
the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young
man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, & held her close
in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
* * * * * * * * *
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
* * * * * * * * *
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus
the word GOLF entered into the English language!
* * *
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had
a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service ...and thus
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
* * * * * * * * *
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
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THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2.. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
3. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
4. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
5. All wives are alike. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
6. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
7. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Many say monogamy is the same.
9. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
10. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
11. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,"Dust!"
12. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
13. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
15. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Many, many years ago when I was twenty three I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
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Royal Navy and Marines Fitness Reports

> The British Military writes EPRs and officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are ACTUAL EXCERPTS taken from people's "206's"....

> * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
> * I would not breed from this Officer.
> * This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
> * When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
> * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entiresatisfaction.
> * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
> * Technically sound, but socially impossible.
> * This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
> * This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
> * When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
> since then he has aged considerably.
> * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
> * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
> * He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
> * This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
> * In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
> * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
> * The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
> * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

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A big thanks to John M, John P, Mike, Mick, Melanie, Jenny, Patrick, Babe Sol, Jim, Geoff, Si and the anons for the above funnies!!
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