PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * October '08 JoKes * *

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...

And the German bra ...
Holtzemfromfloppen

* * * * * * * * *
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.
With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.
£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5,
but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant,
you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

* * * * * * * * *

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs
covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitch-hiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nitendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League
had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! size=7>

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them... CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

* * * * * * * * *
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the British Psychiatric
Association about women
and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

* * * * * * * * *
Cute and clean for a change.....

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom- broom.

The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom-broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself -- this is going to hurt ! !! ! !!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Oh for god sake...Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...Even these silly...little cute...And clean jokes!!!

Sounds to me like she's...been...sweeping around!!!

* * * * * * * * *
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this application for a Darwin Award:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

To Cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All
the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 ' long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure that someone ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

* * * * * * * * *
Chilli Power

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next-door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my Rear Hole is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!' then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!'
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Safeway. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

* * * * * * * * *
Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
In a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said: ' Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel
Grateful and happy doing so. '
That night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On lightly sauteed frog legs
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't F****** think so.

* * * * * * * * *

Proof That The World is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed tohave sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT, it makes sense:))
*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legallyexamine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from lookingat the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must
be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~

The penalty for masturbation inIndonesiais decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law,it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any jobanywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit
lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal inLiverpool, England but only in tropical fishstores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia,a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia,it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they hadto pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms fromvending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on thepremises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not asgreat as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with theirfeet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger thanits brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

* * * * * * * * *

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent co-workers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of ass cleansing fibre cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. **** smeared on seat.
4. **** and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped my trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. ****ter was blathering to Mrs. ****ter about the ****ty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish.

As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude - a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little ****tles of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…" followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My ****-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous ****-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to **** in public - and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the latrine.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

* * * * * * * * *
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which
part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'
'If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

* * * * * * * * *

Subject: Progressive Mathematics within a developing British PC culture

TEACHING MATHS

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2007
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2017
à ÇáãÓÌá ÊÈíÚ Íãæáå ÔÇÍäÉ ãä ÇáÎÔÈ ãä ÇÌá 100 ÏæáÇÑ. ÕÇÍÈ ÊßáÝÉ ÇáÇäÊÇÌ ãä ÇáËãä. ãÇ åæ ÇáÑÈÍ áå¿

* * * * * * * * *

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

* * * * * * * * *
EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

* * * * * * * * *

Subject: 20 years of marriage
> >>>
> >>> After 20 years of marriage, a couple were
> >>> lying in bed one evening, when the
> >>> wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
> >>> It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
> >>> down past the small of her back.
> >>> He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
> >>> over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
> >>> He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
> >>> past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
> >>> her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,
> >>> stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
> >>> He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped,
> >>> rolled over and started to watch the tv.
> >>> As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
> >>> loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> He said, 'I found the remote'.

A big thanks to Les, John M, John P, Mike, Mick, Melanie, Pam, Lewis, Jen, Tim, Pippa, Shaun, J.F., L.W. and the anons for the above funnies!!

* * October '07 JoKes * *

News Flash!!!
The Death of The Energizer Bunny
Shocks the World!!!

Known best for, "going and going and going..."
passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning,

the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest,

induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards

and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,...
Foul play has not been ruled out.

* * * * * * * * *
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"

* * * * * * * * *

Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

* * * * * * * * *

A young lady had been having lessons with the local professional, and was going out for her first round ever. Only half an hour later, she was back in the clubhouse in tears. The professional saw the state she was in, and went over to enquire what had happened. The young lady told him that she had miss-hit her ball from the fairway, and it flew off like a rocket into the rough, and whilst retrieving it, a bee had stung her. Oh dear he said, where did you get stung?
Between the first and second hole she replied
Ah, that explains it the professional commented, Your stance is too wide.

* * * * * * * * *
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

* * * * * * * * *
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old China, I wants you make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"..... Yep, that's right. Well..... Sort of right.......This time. I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Yup".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Uh huh".
And you want it full of Carp?"
"Indeedy"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...

."Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

* * * * * * * * *

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

* * * * * * * * *
An older couple decide to go to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going"?
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream"?
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it"? she asks.
"No, I can remember it," he said.
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write that down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like some whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down," she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast"?!!

* * * * * * * * *
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's Smart Teacher. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,

the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

* * * * * * * * *
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married. "

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fuckin blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

* * * * * * * * *
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before
it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

* * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody
have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

* * * * * * * * *

>An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

> Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> Older Woman : Oh, I see.
>
> Officer : Can I see your license please?
>
> Older Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
Officer : Don't have one?
>
> Older Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
> Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
> papers please.
>
Older Woman : I can't do that.
>
Officer : Why not?
>
Older Woman : I stole this car.
>
Officer : Stole it?
>
Older Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
> owner.
>
Officer : You what?
>
Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want to see.
>
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
Officer 2 : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
> please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
Older woman : Is there a problem sir?
>
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.
>
Older Woman : Murdered the owner?
>
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
> your car, please.
>
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
empty trunk.
>
Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am?
>
Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
>
Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving license.
>
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer.
>
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me
> you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
> and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
>
> Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding,
Ø too.

A big thanks to Mike, Lee, Adrian, Mary, H.T., Rocko, Amy, Pete, Sue, and all the anons for the above funnies!!

* * October '06 JoKes * *

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

* * * * * * * * *
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

* * * * * * * * *
So Cultured!
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

* * * * * * * * *
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ," to which Hymie replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

* * * * * * * * *
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will
judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets! .

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse words known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE!

"I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed.

"That's not fair! He cheated!

How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

Scroll down for the answer…

JESUS SAVES !

* * * * * * * * *
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse .."as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.

* * * * * * * * *
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

* * * * * * * * *
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

* * * * * * * * *
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

* * * * * * * * *
Things to Ponder on this Month
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one coming down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Canada, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

* * * * * * * * *
One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes.
Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman.
"You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing.

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