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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE


* * NoVemBer '11 JoKes * *

Senior Moments!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
_______________

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old was
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.'
_______________

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
'it's Thursday..' And the third man chimed in,
'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say 'Supersex...' She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_______________

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
* * * * * * * * *
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,

let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willy in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willy in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet!"
* * * * * * * * *
Two guys sharing a car to work on Monday morning, were comparing their Sat night jaunts. Ron had just had the normal good old piss up with the lads, but Bob had ended up at the best party ever. His mate had taken him and the party was fantastic with great looking women and loads of all sorts of food and drink. Bob had finished up seriously shit faced and couldn't even remember getting home, but he distinctly remembered that the massive house had a cloakroom with a golden toilet.

"Golden Toilet? load of bollocks you pisshead, don't be such a prat" said Ron. Bob insisted that it was true and said he'd prove it by stopping off at the house on the way home.

After they knocked off work, Bob drove a little bit out of the way and eventually stopped outside a huge imposing looking house. "Here we are, now you'll see" he smirked at Ron. They walked to the door and Bob pushed the bell twice. After a short time a very attractive, expensively dressed woman opened the door. "Yes? can I help?"

Bob explained to her "I was at your fabulous party on Saturday and told my friend here, Ron, all about it and about your amazing golden toilet. He doesn't believe me, so I was hoping that you might just let him have a quick look at it."

The good looking woman stared at Bob for a short while and then grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in. Grinning, Bob looked back and beckoned for Ron to follow.
The woman slammed the door behind them and still holding on to Bob, shouted up the stairs "Charlie, come down here quickly, I've found the dirty bastard who had a shit in your Tuba on Saturday night."
* * * * * * * * *
Stars in Their Eyes.

When this show was around and Mathew Kelly was the presenter, a guy on crutches came onto the stage and introduced himself as Simon from Norfolk.

Kelly said to him "Tell the audience a little about yourself Simon."

"Well a couple of years ago I lost the bottom part of my body in a tractor accident and it was touch and go for me, but they managed to save me."

Kelly said "Wow! that was terrible, but I see that you are now on crutches, how is that possible?"

Simon answered "My uncle Sam, bless him, died of a heart attack at only 42 and a team of specialist surgeons performed a miracle by attaching my uncles lower body part to me and soon I'll be able to walk without the crutches."

After a standing ovation from the audience, many of them in tears, Kelly shook Simon's hand, put his arm around his shoulders and said "A fantastic and amazing story there Simon...and who are you going to be tonight?"

"Tonight Mathew..I'm going to be......Simon and Half uncle!"
* * * * * * * * *
A man walked into a bar .. ouch!
* * * * * * * * *
Mick asks Paddy what sandwiches he has brought to work.
"Crab Paste, Oi fancied sometin a bit different." Says Paddy.
Mick asks to try one. "Bleurghhh!! tastes fookin mingin..where da fook did ya get dat shoite fram?"
Paddy replies "Spotted it in da chemist yesterday."
* * * * * * * * *
The Dog

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A
black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the
first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
* * * * * * * * *
Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said ..
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If it ever happens, please just pull the plug".
They got up unplugged my computer and threw out my wine!!
The little bastards
* * * * * * * * *
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
* * * * * * * * *
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his
father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and
'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask
your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if
he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad........

Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof
* * * * * * * * *
The Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

* * NoVemBer '10 JoKes * *

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'"

She did this faithfully for several months! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic, realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed
her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, " Are you a patient
of Dr. Smith's?"

"Yes I am.. How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
* * * * * * *
SALULAH
Vodacom : How may we help you?

Customer : This is Julius Malema and I haff a big problem with my phone bill.. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Vodacom : Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before.
You must please trace these calls for me.

Vodacom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer : This one does.

Vodacom : What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer : A mobile. I tell you this.

Vodacom : No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

Customer : An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Vodacom worker continued.

Customer : Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer : For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. - Erection.

Another moment's silence from Vodacom, and suddenly the penny dropped.

Vodacom : Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer : For sure. C..E..L...L..U..L..A...R. - Salulah.
* * * * * * *
A group of 40 year-old buddies were discussing where they should go for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers Restaurant because the waitresses there are young, shapely, and beautiful.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they have never been there before.
* * * * * * *
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother... That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.
* * * * * * *
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!

'What powerful rivers'!

'What beautiful animals'!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze..

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
* * * * * * *
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

'W I N A B A G E L'
* * * * * * *
A manager calls his secretary and says to her:

"Karen, I have a seminar in London all next week. I'd like you to come with me so we can get to know each other a bit better, if you know what I mean."

So Karen calls her husband and says to him:

"John, I'm really sorry, I have to go to London on a training course next week. I'm afraid I'll have to leave you on your own."

So John, her husband, phones his mistress and says to her:

"Darling, guess what. The witch is going away all next week, think of all the time we can spend together!"

The mistress phones the young boy that she gives piano lessons to, and says to him:

"Peter, I'm really sorry, I have so much work on at the moment. I'll have to cancel your lesson next week."

So Peter phones his grandad and says to him:

"Grandad, my piano teacher has cancelled next week's lesson - you could take me on that fishing trip that you promised me!"

So the manager calls his secretary and says to her:

"Karen, sorry, change of plan. I have to spend some time with my grandson, so we won't be going to London after all! Cancel the train and the hotel please."

So Karen calls her husband and says to him:

"John, the course is off, I'm not going to London after all."

So John calls his mistress and says to her:

"Sorry darling, but the witch has cancelled her trip. I won't be able to spend next week with you."

So the mistress calls the young boy Peter and says to him:

"Peter, I am free after all next week. Your piano lesson is back on."

So Peter calls his Grandad and says to him:

"Grandad, that pain of a teacher is messing me about. I have to have my lesson and so we can't go fishing. I'm really annoyed about it."

So the manager calls his secretary:

"Karen! As you were!"
* * * * * * *
Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give you all of your energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...

The arsehole is usually in charge
* * * * * * *
Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice set up,' the firefighter said with admiration..

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Well,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your Fire Engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
* * * * * * *
Mmmm Very clever!

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

the jury retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."
* * * * * * *
The handsome Prince had whisked Snow White off to his Castle and the seven dwarves had decided to follow in case she needed help.

They were hiding in bushes outside the Castle, keeping watch, when they saw flickering lights come on and the Prince carry SW past the window on the first floor.

They quickly hatched a plan to stand on each other's shoulders, so that the dwarf at the top could see what was going on, then relay it down one by one to the bottom dwarf.

They scrambled up on top of each other, with Dopey naturally the bottom one.

Doc, the top dwarf, peered into the room and his eyes widened as he saw the Prince lay SW down on top of his big bed.

Doc whispered "He's laying her gently on his bed"
Happy relays "He's laying her gently on his bed"
Grumpy.........."He's laying her gently on his bed"
Bashful..gulp..."He's laying her gently on his bed"
Sleepy...shit..."He's laying her gently on his bed"
Sneezy..f**k..."He's laying her gently on his bed"
Dopey...Phoarrr!

Doc relays......"He's removing her clothing" and it goes down to Dopey,
"he's removing her clothing"
"he's removing her clothing"
etc etc
ect ect
ect ect
whoorrr!

Then.."He's kissing her breasts"
down to dopey... Phoarrr!

Then.."He's got his head between her legs "
Down to Dopey... Phewww!

"He's got his c**k out, it's massive!"
Down to Dopey... Arrrghh!

Just then, the Prince chanced to look over and saw a hairy face looking back at him. He leapt off the bed and grabbed his sword.

Doc squeals "F***ing hell, he's coming!"

........

........

"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"Me Too!"
* * * * * * *
A Nun Grading Papers.

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST...
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN, THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
* * * * * * *
SMART A!!ED ANSWERS 2009

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man
seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch
of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the
boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was
directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART A!!ED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009
1st Place
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded
her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate
any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand!"

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