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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * NoVemBer '07 JoKes * *

> A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
>
> This is how it manifests itself:
>
> I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car
> and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected
> from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I
> wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under
> the table, and notice that it is full.
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out
> the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque
> left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
>
> so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been
> drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
>
> a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - they need water.
>
> I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've
> been searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
> I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with
> water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the
> kitchen table.
>
> I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote
> control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
> in the front room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
> floor.
>
> So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe
> up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> - the car isn't washed
>
> - the bills aren't paid
>
> - there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop
>
> - the flowers don't have enough water
>
> - there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
>
> - I can't find the remote control
>
> - I can't find my glasses
>
> - and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mails.
>
> Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
>
> Now where was I?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A Fairytale Story

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not winge, nag or complain...

But this was a long, long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.

The End.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.

Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps
talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?

Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to
enjoy your well-earned privacy:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop and open it.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep
breath

6. Click on the following web address:

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

7. Watch him shit his pants
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house

along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you,

I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me.

I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish,

and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.

"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish.

Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love in a really long time.

My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money

and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours.

After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked,

"How old is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Q: What is the main function of the All Black coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Whats the difference between the ABs,Aussies and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Ya's hear about the new All Black and Wallaby bra?
Plenty support and no cup.

Whats the difference between an all black and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldnt waste five matches

Graham Henry found dead in hotel room, 4.5 million suspects.

Why do the All Blacks always have two to a hotel room when they're on tour?
So one can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre when the other one chokes

Just heard that tons of Viagra are being shipped out to NZ and AUS, it
seems that the men out there are having a problem getting a semi

Graeme Henry takes out the All Blacks for training and tells everyone to
assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the
goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Henry to be replaced by Korean coach……Win Wun Soon

Why aren't All Blacks allowed to own dogs?
Because they can't hold onto a lead.

Q: What's the All Black version of a hat-trick?
A: Conceding three tries in three minutes.

Q: Why don't the All Black backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What do the All Blacks and drug addicts have in common??
A: Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will
come from.

In the next edition of Chambers dictionary under 'complacent' it reads
"New Zealand All Blacks, RWC Quarter final, 2007?

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow
White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a
voice shouts out "New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Did you hear that the NZ Post Office has had to recall their latest
stamps. They had pictures of All Black rugby players on them. People
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the NZ politician who was found dead in an All Black
rugby jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in
order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says,
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up
everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah,
librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians everything inside them
is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer All Black rugby
players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses
are interchangeable."

Q: What do you have when the All Blacks are buried up to their necks in
sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call an New Zealander at the RWC final?
A: Ref.

How do you get a champagne cork back into the bottle?
Ask any All Black Supporter

Q. What do you call 30 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby
World Cup final?
A. The Wallabies and The All Blacks

Qantas are new sponsors for the All Blacks.

They offered to drop them off while taking their own team home.

An All Black fan walks into a bar with his dog just as the rugby scores
come on the TV. The commentator says that The All Blacks have lost 20-18
to france in the quarter final and the dog immediately rolls over on its
back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead.
"That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?"
The man scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally
replies: "I dunno…. I've only had him since 1989."

An All Blacks supporter goes to his a psychiatrist, wearing nothing but
a pair of pants made from cellophane. The psychiatrist says to him,
"Sir, I can clearly see your nuts."

What is the difference between a battery and an All Black?
A battery has a positive side.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Which bank are you with?
Note to self: 'cancel credit cards prior to death!'
I don't plan on dying in the near future but I will keep this email in mind. This seems to be one among many ways that the banks get at the small man!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
An Australian lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member rang ANZ:

Family Member:
"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:
"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ:
"Since it is two months overdue, it already has been."

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ:
"Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member:
"Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ:
"Excuse me?"

Family Member:
"Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
ANZ:
"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:
"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ:
(pause) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member:
"Sure."
After they get the fax:
ANZ:
"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member:
"Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ:
"Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member:
"Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ:
"That might help."

Family Member:
"Plot Number 69, Rookwood Memorial Cemetery,
1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney"
ANZ:
(pause) "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member:
"What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife;

so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem,

and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that

" I " am the man of this house, and my word is law!!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,

and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to run me my bath so I can relax.

And, when I'm finished with my bath,

guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The f**king funeral director," said the wife

A big thanks to Mike, Mick, Nigel, Les, Steve, Julie, Pippa & all Anons for the above funnies!!

* * NoVemBer '06 JoKes * *

A man complained to his co-worker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday.

"She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes."

"Here's an idea," said the colleague. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted."

The next day, Arnold's colleague asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes," said Arnold.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes! See you in 30 minutes!'"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation.

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A grandmother took her five-year-old grandson to the ballet. The boy had never seen a ballet before and watched the ballerinas prance around on their toes. After the show was over, the grandmother asked the youngster if he had any questions. "Yeah, Granny," said the boy," wouldn't it be easier if they just hired taller dancer?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Scenes From the Movies
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
21. American cars always blow up
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line, at which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smart alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off the coast of Florida."

The smart alec laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smart alec said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off the coast of Florida."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied on on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys the following:

* one can of beans

* one bag of potato chips

* one pack of burgers

* one tub of ice cream

* one cake

* one yogurt

* one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy looking down at her, says sarcastically, "Yes. How on earth did 'you' guess?"

The girl replies, "Cos you're an ugly bugger."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside
down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and
at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

A big thanks to Claire, Pat, Larry, KT, Sue, Von, Patsy, Barry, Brad & Anons for the above funnies!!

* * NoVemBer '05 JoKes * *

The late Pope, John Paul II was standing at 'the gates' discussing things with St Peter.

Behind St Peter was a huge wall with an enormous number of clocks on it, and the Pope was inquisitive about these clocks.

Said Peter, "These are lie clocks. Everyone alive and dead has a lie clock, and each time they tell a lie one second is added to the clock. So when they come up here we know whether the person is also telling us fibs to get in".

The Pope thought this was a great idea, so he asked to see his clock. Sure enough, the hands were stuck on midnight never having moved.

The Pope had never told a lie in his life. A couple of clocks to the left were a clock with the second hand at 5 seconds past midnight.

The Pope pointed at it and enquired, and was told "That was Lord Nelson's clock, he told 5 lies during his lifetime to hide his affair with Lady Hamilton".

The late Pope was greatly impressed by this, so he asked where Britain's Prime Minister "Tony Blair's" clock was...

"Oh that's not on the wall. Jesus has moved that into his office... he's using it as a desk fan".
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Blonde Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools,
she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another
hole in the ice. The voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered,
''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was bilingual.

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Proof That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion and finally

Proof that Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right-now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You might be a Republican if...
1. You're a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.
2. You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
3. You've ever uttered the phrase "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches?"
4. You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
5. You don't think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
6. You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
7. You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.
8. You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
9. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
10. You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
11. You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear ever attacks your home.
12. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
13. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
14. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
15. You've ever referred to Anita Hill as "that lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser. 16. You've ever called education a luxury.
17. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
18. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
19. You're afraid of the "liberal media."
20. You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates ..."
21. You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts "a bunch of pornographers."
22. You think all artists are gay.
23. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.

You might be a Democrat if...
1. You believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You are against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Somalian arrives in Cardiff as a new immigrant to Britain.
>
> He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
>
> "Thank you Mr.Britishman for letting me in this country!"

> But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

> The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
>
> "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britiain!"

> The person says "I no Brit. I flom Hong Kong"

> The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says
>
> "Thank you for the wonderful Britland!"

> That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not Brit!"

> He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,
>
> "Are you a British citizen?"

> She says, "No, I from Tonga!"

> So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?"

> The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
>
> "Probably at work."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

RUDE AND INSULTING FAMOUS FOLK

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge talking about Mozart

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
- Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

"I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me."
- Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
- Groucho Marx

"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
- Mick Ronson

"Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I"
- John Dryden on his wife

"If people don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
- Herman J. Mankiewicz

"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese

"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
- Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
- Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
- Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
- Charivari on Claude Monet
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

KINSEY REPORT - "SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR IN THE HUMAN MALE"

98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating.
Average: 3 times per week.
(and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)
(Kinsey, et al. 1948)

Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States

ASSUMPTION
It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

LET'S DO THE NUMBERS
132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 396,272,067 wack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 385,265 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

CONCLUSION
At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-off

So,... be careful who you shake hands with!

A big thanks to Claire, Adrian, Greeno, H.T., Rocko, Amy, Sly, Phil, John, Von & Glen for the above funnies!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~