Viagra Wife Diary Day 1
We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The wanker has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
* * * * * * *
Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its

parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 pound for cars ($1.40), and 5 pounds for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day's work, he just didn't show up,
so the Zoo management called the City Council and asked to be sent another parking attendant.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

However, the City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, possibly sitting in his villa somewhere along the coast of Spain

is the man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed at his own request,

and then had simply shown up every day to collect and keep the parking fees (estimated at about

$560 per day) for 25 years.

Assuming he worked 7 days a week, this amounts to just over

$7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name !!
* * * * * * *
THIS YEAR'S (2009) DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again.. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.... He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had..

*** Remember.... . They walk among us and they reproduce.** *
* * * * * * *
A guy decided to get a parrot for his wife, to keep her company whilst he's at work. He was browsing round a large pet store and came across a parrot who didn't appear to have any legs. The guy mutters. "I can't see any legs on this parrot." The Parrot looks at him and says. "That's correct, I'm defective, I don't ve legs." The is astonished at this show of intelligence and says. " That's amazing, I thought parrots just mimicked." The parrot says. " That is true of course, but I am able to speak fluently in English and also have a very good grasp of French. I am able to hold an intelligent conversation on many subjects. Economics, philosophy and politics to name a few, I even have a good store of anecdotes and jokes." The guy says. "I am really impressed, but how do you stay on the perch, without legs and feet?" The parrot whispers. " I curl my willie round it like a hook, it can't be seen, my feathers cover it. Why don't you buy me, I promise you wont regret it." The guy says. "How much are you?" The parrot replies." £599. but make an offer of £50. They can't sell me, no one wants a parrot without legs, so I'm positive they'll do a deal."
The fellow made a good deal for both the parrot and his cage and took him home. True to his word, the parrot was a great conversationalist and proved to be a great companion for both his wife and himself .
Several months later, the guy came home from work early but his wife wasn't home. The parrot waved him over with it's wing and says. "I'm going out of my mind with worry and I feel that I've got to tell you something about your wife" The guy is getting worried too and says. "What? What? what is it?" The parrot says. "When the milkman came this morning, your wife answered the door dressed in a see through nightie, wearing nothing else."
"Jesus..and then?" "She let him into the house and took him into the lounge, but the door was ajar and I could still see. The guy is frantic now. "What the fuck happened?..." "Well..they kissed for a while .." "Yes Yes go on..." "Then he knelt down in front of her and lifted up her nightie..." "The fuckin' bastard, what then...?"
"He started kissing her down there, licking and making slobbering noises and she was moaning and groaning."
The raging guy shouts. "Jesus H Christ...go on..what the fuck did they do then?"
The parrot squawked.
"I haven't got a clue.. I got a hardon and fell off the perch."
* * * * * * *
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt .. When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said pr oudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified.. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied..
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
* * * * * * *
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO ENQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
* * * * * * *
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she
lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said,"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning
a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to
bottom..

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
fussed the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat
back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked
at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most
definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.

"£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
have been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan .."
* * * * * * *
WHY MEN CAN'T WIN

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore
* * * * * * *
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
* * * * * * *
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
* * * * * *
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
* * * * * *
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
* * * * * *
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
* * * * * *
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
* * * * * * *
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a
> helicopter, ten men and one woman.
> The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
> so they decided that one has to drop off.
> Otherwise they are all going to fall.
> They were not able to choose that person, but then
> the woman made a very touching speech. She said that
> she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because
> as a woman she was used to giving up everything for
> her husband and kids, and for men in general,
> without ever getting anything in return.
> As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
> started clapping their hands...
* * * * * * *
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”.
I can barely walk, but whenever I break wind the room smells lovely.

A big thanks to Mike, Mick, John P., John, Jenni, Melanie, Joe 90, Chris, Rocky and all the anons for the above funnies!!
* * * * * * * * *
* * MaY '09 JokEs * *

The Lord and The Harley Rider
> >
> > A man riding his Harley was riding along a California
> beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
> voice, the Lord said,
> > 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in
> all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
> >
> > The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to
> Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
> >
> > The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic,
> think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
>supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete
>and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
>resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
> for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
>that could possibly help mankind.'
> >
> > The biker thought about it for a long time.
> > Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men
> could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what
> she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
> what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
> Woman truly happy.'
> >
> > The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on
> that bridge?'

* * * * * * * * *
BALLS
A man entered the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

* * * * * * * * *
GOD AND THE BIKER

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

* * * * * * * * *
Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love as always
your only son
Johnnie

* * * * * * * * *
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

* * * * * * * * *
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired U. S.
Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. Now, it's fifty
years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission accomplished!"

* * * * * * * * *
From Punch Magazine 1957.

Bear in mind that they took no risks then either..Not much changed otherwise!!

Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same £100 isn't it?

A: Yes, but...

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?

A: Theoretically...

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that...

Q: When I lend them my £100 why don't I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?

A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

A. YOU GOT IT!

* * * * * * * * *

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears as such.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

* * * * * * * * *
Pat and Mick had a great night out, spent all their money and missed the last bus home.
No money for a taxi, so they set out to walk home.
Along the road, they came to the by now dark bus depot.
"Hey Mick", says Pat, "I think we could take a bus and drive all the way home. Look, you stay and keep watch and I'll go and get a bus".
Pat was in the depot for ages and Mick called in, "Pat, for God's sake man, why are ye taking so long."
Mick called back, "I can't find a number 19".
"For f***s sake, man", replied Pat, "Just bring a number 14 and we'll get of at the roundabout and walk the rest".

* * * * * * * * *
The Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money..
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story:
Women are cleverer than Men .....

* * * * * * * * *
Roy was out drinking with his mates and they were discussing sex as usaul. Roy decided that he liked the sound of the wheelbarrow position. When he got home, he started playing around with his very fit looking, blonde partner. After a short while, they were both up for it and Roy says. "Jackie, I'd like us to try out the wheelbarrow position." Jackie says. "The wheelbarrow position? what's that then?" Roy tells her. "You lie face down and I stand between your legs, then I pick you up, stick it in and bingo...awaaay we go." Jackie says. "Sounds great, but promise me one thing." Roy says. "Like what?" Blondie replies. "We don't go past my parents house."

* * * * * * * *
Confucius Say:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

* * * * * * * * *
One Friday night, the police were watching a particularly rowdy Pub for possible trouble makers or drunk drivers. At the usual closing time they saw a fellow stumble out of the doors, trip on the curb and try his remote on five different cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the Pub and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police were waiting for him. They stopped the driver and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

* * * * * * * * *
Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their vicar to stand with them. As the vicar stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The vicar lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The vicar thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Twat, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

* * * * * * * * *
Out of the mouth of babes

Standing in a queue at the Bank I noticed the woman at the front had a huge fat arse. Suddenly her phone started to bleep and a small boy standing behind her says," Watch out, she's reversing"

A big thanks to Mike, Mick, John P., John, Jenni, Bubba, Melanie, Ken, Bobby, Sal and all the anons for the above funnies!!
* * * * * * * * *

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