VERY FUNNY JOKES

PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
. . . ENJOY!

JOKES

Jan / Feb / March / April / May / June / July /August / Sept / Oct / Nov / Dec

* * MaY 2011 ..JokEs * *

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience..

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now I know why some people are where they are!
* * * * * * * * *
Why's of Men (a little change to all the dumb blonde jokes!!!!)

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX

(because they are plugged into a genius)

----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

-----------------------------------------------

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

----------------------------------------------

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

-----------------------------------------------

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know......it never happened)

( c'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

-----------------------------------------------

And the personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

-----------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back,

' University of Oklahoma '.

And they say blondes are dumb.........!!

---------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour
----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods, because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
-------------------------------------------- --

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------- -----

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
* * * * * * * * *
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs’.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us’.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin’.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger’.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine
* * * * * * * * *
A FEW PADDY JOKES

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
Bloody thing up.
------------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
About!"
------------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.
------------
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always
Fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
In the boat."
* * * * * * * * *
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the
spoon?’

‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back
to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
spare.. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

Well, he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.
* * * * * * * * *
Sexual Harassment.

Every time they are on the same shift, a male co-worker walks up very close to a young female whenever she's at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

Eventually, after ignoring him as best she can, she can't stand it any more and takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and files a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is rather puzzled and asks:

'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'It's Keith. The midget.'
* * * * * * * * *
SOME OLD FUN FACTS... true or false... I have no idea!!

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

' Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,

but our nose and ears

never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)

Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2,

moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls
froze completely solid .

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* * * * * * * * *
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all.............

It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"
* * * * * * * * *
This is a story about a guy named Sid, who used to win The Filthy Limerick competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy Limerick ever...and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the Limerick wasn't yet published, the editor couldn't tell him what it was, but feeling sorry for the distraught loser, gave him the phone number of the winner.

Sid immediately rang and was again floored when the phone was answered. "Miss Rose Brown speaking." Sid explained who he was and asked Rose to speak her Limerick. She said "Oh, I couldn't do that young man, I'm 82 and don't say things like that out loud."

Sid was gobsmacked, "82 FFS!!"

"Well I'm a filthy Limerick expert, so will you just dah de dah the rude bits and I'll fill them in for myself?" He said

The old lady thought it over and eventually said to an impatient Sid "I can't see that it would hurt me to do that, so I will dah de dah it for you. Are you ready?"

"Yes of course I'm ready" said an inwardly seething Sid, who still didn't believe that his best, most disgusting filthy Limerick ever, had been beaten into second place by an old fart.

"Right then, here goes" she said.........

"Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Dah diddy dah diddy ... fucking bollocks."
* * * * * * * * *
GRANDAD.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and is generally being very badly behaved. Meanwhile, his granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long.........easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say, "it's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little so and so is throwing items out of the cart and the old chap says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get all worked up, we'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it, most people including me would have lost it. You kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad."

"Well thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William......that little swine is Kevin."
* * * * * * * * *
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,

let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,

she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
* * * * * * * * *
Little Jonny was sitting in class when the English teacher walked past him and said. "Your grammar is rubbish"
Jonny replied. "well, your grandad is a twat"

* * MaY 2010 ..JokEs * *

Viagra Wife Diary Day 1
We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The wanker has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
* * * * * * *
Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its

parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 pound for cars ($1.40), and 5 pounds for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day's work, he just didn't show up,
so the Zoo management called the City Council and asked to be sent another parking attendant.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

However, the City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, possibly sitting in his villa somewhere along the coast of Spain

is the man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed at his own request,

and then had simply shown up every day to collect and keep the parking fees (estimated at about

$560 per day) for 25 years.

Assuming he worked 7 days a week, this amounts to just over

$7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name !!
* * * * * * *
THIS YEAR'S (2009) DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again.. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.... He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had..

*** Remember.... . They walk among us and they reproduce.** *
* * * * * * *
A guy decided to get a parrot for his wife, to keep her company whilst he's at work. He was browsing round a large pet store and came across a parrot who didn't appear to have any legs. The guy mutters. "I can't see any legs on this parrot." The Parrot looks at him and says. "That's correct, I'm defective, I don't ve legs." The is astonished at this show of intelligence and says. " That's amazing, I thought parrots just mimicked." The parrot says. " That is true of course, but I am able to speak fluently in English and also have a very good grasp of French. I am able to hold an intelligent conversation on many subjects. Economics, philosophy and politics to name a few, I even have a good store of anecdotes and jokes." The guy says. "I am really impressed, but how do you stay on the perch, without legs and feet?" The parrot whispers. " I curl my willie round it like a hook, it can't be seen, my feathers cover it. Why don't you buy me, I promise you wont regret it." The guy says. "How much are you?" The parrot replies." £599. but make an offer of £50. They can't sell me, no one wants a parrot without legs, so I'm positive they'll do a deal."
The fellow made a good deal for both the parrot and his cage and took him home. True to his word, the parrot was a great conversationalist and proved to be a great companion for both his wife and himself .
Several months later, the guy came home from work early but his wife wasn't home. The parrot waved him over with it's wing and says. "I'm going out of my mind with worry and I feel that I've got to tell you something about your wife" The guy is getting worried too and says. "What? What? what is it?" The parrot says. "When the milkman came this morning, your wife answered the door dressed in a see through nightie, wearing nothing else."
"Jesus..and then?" "She let him into the house and took him into the lounge, but the door was ajar and I could still see. The guy is frantic now. "What the fuck happened?..." "Well..they kissed for a while .." "Yes Yes go on..." "Then he knelt down in front of her and lifted up her nightie..." "The fuckin' bastard, what then...?"
"He started kissing her down there, licking and making slobbering noises and she was moaning and groaning."
The raging guy shouts. "Jesus H Christ...go on..what the fuck did they do then?"
The parrot squawked.
"I haven't got a clue.. I got a hardon and fell off the perch."
* * * * * * *
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt .. When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said pr oudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified.. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied..
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
* * * * * * *
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO ENQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
* * * * * * *
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she
lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said,"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning
a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to
bottom..

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
fussed the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat
back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked
at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most
definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.

"£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
have been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan .."
* * * * * * *
WHY MEN CAN'T WIN

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore
* * * * * * *
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
* * * * * * *
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
* * * * * *
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
* * * * * *
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
* * * * * *
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
* * * * * *
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
* * * * * * *
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a
> helicopter, ten men and one woman.
> The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
> so they decided that one has to drop off.
> Otherwise they are all going to fall.
> They were not able to choose that person, but then
> the woman made a very touching speech. She said that
> she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because
> as a woman she was used to giving up everything for
> her husband and kids, and for men in general,
> without ever getting anything in return.
> As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
> started clapping their hands...
* * * * * * *
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”.
I can barely walk, but whenever I break wind the room smells lovely.

* * * * * * * * *
100's of FUNNY JOKES