PHIL BRODIE BAND'S FUN PAGES
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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

* * JUNe. .'11 JoKeS * *

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes!"
* * * * * * *
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class.

“What’s logical thinking?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logical thinking, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logical thinking class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what class are ya taking’?” asked the friend.

“logical thinking class!” replied the first redneck.

“What the hell is logical thinking?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re gay, ain’t ya?”
* * * * * * *
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,”lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position.

“Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce,” it sounds.

Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you’re getting mayonnaise all over my face.”
* * * * * * *
Medical Breakthrough Medications

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
* * * * * * *
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

It's for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!
* * * * * * *
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
* * * * * * *
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
* * * * * * *
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.

She said, “Well Johnny, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.” After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Little Johnny

Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?
Signed,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small “Virgin Mary” one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I’ve broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister’s Barbie doll and lots more. I’m desperate. I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Signed,
You know who
* * * * * * *
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies: “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
* * * * * * *
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
* * * * * * *
A professor at a university is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 20 students raise their hands.
“I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response.” “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic.” “But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, and says,

“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost?!? Sh**it. From baaack there it sounded like you said ‘goats!’”.
* * * * * * *
The doctor tells a male patient that he has a case of venereal disease.

The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't been with anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat".

Doctor says, " in that case you must have been chewing it because you have got it in your gums!!
* * * * * * *
There are a Chinese man and a Chinese woman working at a restaurant, fall in love and get married.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “My darling, I know you are very nervous and very frighten. I promise you, I will give you anything you want, I do anyting you want … What you want?”

“I want 69 ” she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, “You want … Sweet & Sour Pork?”
* * * * * * *
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist could attract more people.

The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town’s people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until accidentally the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor. “Sh*t!” the
Hypnotist yelled.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
* * * * * * *
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* * JUNe. .'10 JoKeS * *

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
* * * * * * * * *
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, a man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
* * * * * * * * *
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I`ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man`s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I`ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he`ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It`s just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she`ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, `comfortable.`"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, `comfortable`?"

The brunette explains, "My sister`s blonde."

"She`ll read it very slow."
* * * * * * * * *
For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
* * * * * * * * *
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
http://www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com
* * * * * * * * *
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"
"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you..
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
* * * * * * * * *
THE GAY COWBOY

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and
the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and
upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
> > > fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
She said. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
* * * * * * * * *
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house

along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you,

I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me.

I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish,

and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.

"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish.

Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love in a really long time.

My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money

and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours.

After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked,

"How old is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"
* * * * * * * * *
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my 'old man' could nearly touch the floor." .. the crocodile bit off his legs.
* * * * * * * * *
Two men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I
Saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year
Is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
£900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him
in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
* * * * * * * * *
Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home"

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

* * * * * * * * *
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All herfriends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied,
"I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
* * * * * * * * *
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding
off.

More than a little distraught, the Lawyer grabs his mobile and calls
the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Lawyer starts
screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at
the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust:

"I can't believe how materialistic you Lawyers are," he
says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was
torn off when the truck hit you."

The Lawyer looks down in absolute horror "F%#*&$G HELL!!!!!! he
screams........"Where's my Rolex ????..."

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