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JOKE INDEX ~ ~ FUNNY PIC PAGE

** JuLy. 2010 . JoKes **

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him.

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck."Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"
* * * * * * * * *
HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the si nk, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATER MELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
* * * * * * * * *
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical
procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'
* * * * * * * * *
How smart is Your Right Foot?

Just try this.. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.............

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and
over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can ' t.
It's programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ' 6 ' in the air with
your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and
I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are
going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
* * * * * * * * *
The teacher is giving her class of 7 yr olds a lesson on nutrition and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,

'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had fuckall', he says, FUCKA L L .

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off England 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson and decides to give him a difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Scottish border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Scottish boarder is in bed with my mother.'

That's why I got fuckall for breakfast.
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Prime Minister

Thank you for detailing your recent activities concerning the financial situation.

I had to smile a little when I read your paragraph quoted below:

“What I've found is getting into government is a bit like buying a car - it's only when you've driven it for a while, and taken a proper look under the bonnet, that you get a proper idea of the condition it's in.”

What you missed was:

It is still subject to a finance agreement, it has not been serviced regularly and the DVLA records have been lost.

The engine has been swapped for something cheaper, the spare wheel is missing and the toolkit has been deleted to save money. The gold plated door handles have been sold at a knock down price and the back of the driver's seat is covered in felt tip marks.

The outside has been polished regularly and the car has been taken for a spin by Mandy et al.

Footprints on the headlining prove that it has also been borrowed by John Prescott!

Yours sincerely,
John M.
* * * * * * * * *
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think
there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy'

' Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid
of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Ninety dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Ninety bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
I went to the local pub .....to think and the bartender ended up curing me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so?' 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

' Ain't nobody under there now! '
* * * * * * * * *
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck...
Get the fuck away from me.
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy & The Hooker

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty quid ...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before,
but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'
* * * * * * * * *
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too fuckin late
and we're all gonna f*ckin' die.'
* * * * * * * * *
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to
Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with
the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them
in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke
no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the
rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head
to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to
the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi
pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at
every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three
days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that
the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were
staying right here.

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

* * JuLy '09JoKes * *

A Missouri Sheriff
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO
And talks with an old farmer.

  • He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
    Your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
  • The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
  • The Sheriif verbally explodes saying,
    'Mister, I have the authority of the
    Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching
    Into his rear pant pocket and
    Removing his badge. The officer proudly
    Displays it to the farmer.
    'See this badge? This badge means
    I am allowed to go wherever
    I wish..on any land. No questions asked
    Or answers given.
    Have I made myself clear?
    Do you understand?'
  • The old farmer nods politely and
    Goes about his chores.
  • Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
    And spies the Sheriff running for
    His life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
    With every step the bull is gaining ground
    On the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
  • The old farmer immediately throws down
    His tools, runs to the fence and yells
    At the top of his lungs.....
  • 'Your badge!
    Show him your badge Smartass!
  • * * * * * * * * * *
  • Divorce VS Murder -- priceless
  • A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
    looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
    cyanide.'
  • The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
  • The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
  • The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'What?!? I can't give
    you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
    license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
    happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
  • The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
    in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
  • The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
    different.
  • You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

  • * * * * * * * * * *
    Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said
    Alastair, I have a great idea! we are going to go all out to win back
    all of the labour voters we have lost to the tories.
    Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
    Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long barbour
    coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
    something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
    but be sure to remember not to mention the Hunting with dogs Act'
    Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from 10 Downing St.
    Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for &
    found a lovely country pub & with the dog, went up to the bar.
    Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood
    please' said Brown, good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, two pints of best is coming up'
    Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
    nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
    lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were cold and hungry, sadly neglected and were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.
    All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a
    grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the
    labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders &
    walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another
    wizened old farmer who followed the same procedure.
    To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender
    followed suit over the next hour.
    Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over and said tell me Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old Custom?
    Good Lord no,' said the landlord.
    'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.
    * * * * * * * * * *
  • I can't stand women who scream during sex. Take the other night, she was getting a right shagging
    when she suddenly looked straight into my eyes and started screaming her head off.
  • For f***s sake, as if it wasn't difficult enough..hanging on to a drainpipe, with one hand, three f****n' floors up, whilst trying to have a wank with the other, I nearly fell off. Downright rude of her I say.
  • PS.
    I also find it rude when deaf people talk with food in their hands.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, Opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
  • * * * * * * * * * *
    Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the
    lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are
    hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes
    on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with
    a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the
    middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to
    Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

    Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20's:
    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
    your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
    and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
    just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you
    went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
  • In your 30's:
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
    married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
    your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
    favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is
    the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
  • In your 40's:
    Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
    hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash
    your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want
    to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and
    do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register
    is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50's:
    Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
    your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
    sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
    shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register
    smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you
    remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I
    Got Worms .'
  • In your 60's:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off
    your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope
    you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl
    running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you
    are not sure.
  • In your 70's:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
    prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The
    young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her
    grandfather.

    In your 80's:
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
    you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to
    think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone
    called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you
    at the front door.

  • * * * * * * * * * *
  • *LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...
    Judy got married and had 13 children.
    Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
    She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
    Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
    Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
    Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
    He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
    "Lord, they are finally together."
    Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

    "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
  • Margaret replied:....
    "I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
    * * * * * * * * * *
    IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
  • Artery.......................... The study of paintings.
    Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
    Barium........................... What doctors do when patients die.
    Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
    Caesarean Section........A neighbourhood in Rome ..
    Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
    Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her.
    Colic........................... A sheep dog.
    Coma............................ A punctuation mark.
    Dilate......................... To live long.
    Enema............................ Not a friend.
    Fester........................... Quicker than someone else.
    Fibula......................... A small lie.
    Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known.
    Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
    Medical Staff...................... A Doctor's cane.
    Morbid............................ A higher offer.
    Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates.
    Node........................... I knew it.
    Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted.
    Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
    Post Operative.................. A letter carrier.
    Recovery Room................Place to do upholstery.
    Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.
    Secretion...................... Hiding something.
    Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
    Tablet........................... A small table.
    Terminal Illness................ Getting sick at the airport.
    Tumour..........................One plus one more.
    Urine........................... Opposite of you're out.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    INSTALLING A HUSBAND

    Dear Tech Support ,
  • Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
  • In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .
  • Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
  • Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
  • What can I do?
  • Signed,
    Desperate.
    * * * * * * * * * *
  • DEAR DESPERATE ,
  • First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
  • Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
  • However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .
  • Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
  • In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
  • In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7..
    Good Luck!
    Tech Support
    * * * * * * * * * *
    One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole, and as he did a loud voice said,
    "There are no fish down there."
  • He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's
    no fish down there."
  • He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
  • He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
  • "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Wine and Water
    To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine..and those who don't.

    As Ben Franklin said:
    In wine there is wisdom,
    in beer there is freedom,
    in water there is bacteria.
  • In a number of carefully controlled trials,
    scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
    (E.. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
  • In other words, we are consuming
    1 kilo of poop.
  • However, we do NOT run that risk when
    drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
    process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

    Remember:
    Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
  • Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
    than to drink water and be full of shit.
  • There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
    I'm doing it as a public service
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Gordon V Little Johnny
    Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and dropped in to one of the classrooms. The teacher and kids were discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asked the PM to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
  • Gordon asked the kids if any knew the meaning of tragedy and to give an example.
  • A boy held up his hand. "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was run over by his dad driving the tractor. That would be a tragedy."
  • "No, that would be an accident." Gordon explained.
  • A small girl stood up and offered. "If a school bus carrying fifty
    · children went over a cliff and everyone was killed." That would be a tragedy."
  • "I'm afraid not". Said Mr Big, that is what would be called a great loss."
  • The kids went quiet and started to shuffle about.
  • Gordon looked around the classroom. "Anyone else? have a shot at it..just say what you think an example of tragedy might be."
  • Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his arm.
    "If a plane carryin' you an' Mr Darlin' was to be hit by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens. THAT would be a tragedy."
  • "Excellent!" Gordon exclaimed. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
  • Little Johnny replied. "Well it has to be a tragedy, because, it definitely wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fuckin' accident, either!"
    * * * * * * * * * *
    The Lone Ranger's
  • Last Request

  • The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
    by an enemy Indian War Party.
  • The Indian Chief proclaims,

    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

  • "In honour of the Full Moon,
    YOU will be executed in three days."
  • "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
  • "What is your FIRST request ???'
  • The Lone Ranger responds,
    "I'd like to speak to my horse.."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought
    before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
    Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
  • Later that evening, Silver returns with
    a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watches,
    the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
    and spends the night.
  • The next morning the Indian Chief admits
    he's impressed..
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
    "But I will still kill you in two days."
  • "What is your SECOND request ???"

  • The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
    to his horse.
    Silver is brought to
    him,
    and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
  • As before, Silver takes off and disappears
    over the horizon.
  • Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
  • Silver again returns, this time with a
    voluptuous brunette, more attractive
    than the blonde.
  • She enters the Lone Rangers tent
    and spends the night.
  • The following morning the Indian Chief
    is again impressed.
    "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
    "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

  • "What is your LAST request ???"

  • The Lone Ranger responds,
  • "I'd like to speak to my horse, .. alone."
  • The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
    and Silver is brought to
    the
    Lone Ranger's tent.
  • Once they're alone,
    the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
    Looks him square in the eye and says,

  • Listen Very Carefully
  • FOR... THE... LAST...F****N'... TIME.
  • I SAID ...

  • "BRING POSSE"
    * * * * * * * * * *
    I've often been asked,
    'What do you do now that you're retired?'
  • Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and scotch into urine."
    * * * * * * * * * *
    California 159 years ago
    Do you know what happened back in 1850, 159 years ago?
  • California became a state.
    The State had no electricity.
    The State had no money.
    Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
    There were gunfights in the streets.

    So basically, it was just like California today, except the
    women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Gordon Brown is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.

    The patient replies:
  • "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
  • Great chieftain O the puddin race,
  • Aboon them a ye take yer place,
  • Painch, tripe or thairm,
  • As langs my airm."
  • Brown is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
  • The next patient responds:
  • "Some hae meat an canna eat,
  • And some wad eat that want it,
  • But we hae meat an we can eat,
  • So let the Lord be thankit."
  • The PM is even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

  • "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
  • O the panic in thy breasty,
  • Thou needna start awasae hastie,
  • Wi bickering brattle."
  • Now seriously troubled, Brown turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
  • "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
    * * * * * * * * * *
    TWENTY DOLLARS
    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband
    and asked for $20..00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
    In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
    This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
    for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day,
    she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
    was going through a process of corporate downsizing,
    and he had been let go.
    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
    another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
    and therefore, they were financially ruined.
    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
    and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
    Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
    by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
    and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
    She explained that for the more than
    three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
    These holdings had multiplied and these were the
    results of her savings and investments.
    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    Worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could
    barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
    "If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
    I would have given you all my business!"
    That's when she shot him.
    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    To keep their mouths shut.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    HAUNTED STREETS OF IRELAND
    1. The Dublin Ghost
    > This story happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds
    > like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
    >
    > John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
    > hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
    >
    > The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
    > could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come
    > towards him slowly and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without
    > thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door - only to
    > realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
    >
    > The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
    > curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
    > Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
    > window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
    > the hand repeatedly came through the window, but it never touched or
    > harmed him.
    > Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
    > so, gathering strength, he jumped
    > out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
    > out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
    > horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when
    > everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.
    >
    > Suddenly, the door opened and two other people walked in from the
    > stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
    > Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
    > the other...
    >
    > "Look, Paddy... there's that f...ing idiot that got in the car while we
    > were pushing it!"
    * * * * * * * * * *
    THE VIBRATOR
  • As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
  • Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing? '
  • The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
  • The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
  • To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty- five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone..'
  • A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
    placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
  • The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
  • The wife asked: 'What the hell you doing?'
  • The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

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