JOKES, JOKES, JOKES.

Q. How do you make the mother -in -law smile on New Years Day

A. Tell her a joke on Christmas Day
* * * * * * * * *
A Banker,a Stockbroker and a Vicar are on the Train,heading to the City.
They all have the same paper and are each doing the crossword puzzle.
Just as they are approaching the end of the line,the Banker says
"Finished it, a record time for me."
The Stockbroker says,"I could have finished some time ago, but I'm stuck on twenty two across....Clue...Relatively feminine, 5 letters and 4 letters,
so far I've got ....GREAT -UNT."........
The Banker says,"That should be GREAT AUNT."....
The Vicar says,"Anyone got an eraser."
* * * * * * * * *
A young man called Ron want ed to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend.They had met at a Christian Faith Conference and they hadn't been seeing each other for very long.Also,she lived some distance away.Wishing to make a good impression,as he knew she was a devout Christian,he consulted his sister
and decided after careful consideration,that
a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic
and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a
dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair
of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when
we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she prefers shorter ones
(which are easier to remove)

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from was happy to
show me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and
they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good in them
even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that
they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she
hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
wearing them.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit
because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded
down with a little bit of fur showing
* * * * * * * * *
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
* * * * * * * * *
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!

The Irishman nodded... Oi did oi did 'I'll tell you though,
by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from the fookin' skippin', the Irishman said.
Jenny
* * * * * * * * *
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road .

One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched".
Bloody Shame!
* * * * * * * * *
1940's, 50's, and most of the 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .

We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age
* * * * * * * * *
Joe becomes ill after working in Borneo for a number of years.The local Doctors can't help him,so he's sent home to the UK.
A tropical diseases expert gives him the bad news that he has contracted an extremely rare disease called YELLOW 24, so called because as the disease progresses to it's terminal stage,the unfortunate diseased person turns yellow and expires 24 hours later.
One evening, Joe has had a few drinks and wanders into a Bingo Hall and proceeds to win one game after another.
This eventually starts to cause trouble, with the crowd suspecting a fiddle.
Joe thinks..Stuff this,I don't need masses of money anyway, and proceeds to the cashiers office for his winnings.
The Manager says "In twenty Five years in this game,I've never seen anyone have so much luck." Joe shouts "You think thats lucky do you?
let me tell you I've got YELLOW 24."
The Manager shouts back,"Holy shit! he's won the fucking link up Star Prize Draw Car as well."
* * * * * * * * *
Two guys meet up to play a round of golf and one is surprised to see the other has a small dog with him. The guy with the dog tees off and hits a super shot and the little dog stands up on it's hind legs and claps. The other guy is amazed and asks what happens if a bad shot is made. "He turns somersaults" The guy says "Incredible, how many "The guy replies "It depends" "Depends? on what? he's asked. The guy replies "How f.....g hard I kick him up the arse".
* * * * * * * * *
Some friends were having drinks and having got a fair few down were discussing how they would like leave this world behind.Most were opting for heroic type deaths and one or two leaned towards the romantic.Then this guy says,"I want to die peacefully,whilst asleep,just like my dad did........not f.....g screaming in terror, like his passengers.
* * * * * * * * *
At last! A decent chain letter, as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. Costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to nine of your mates.

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton (with ventilation
holes of course), and send the carton to the person who is at the top of
your list.

Soon your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 Miss World
finalists, 25 models, 463 minor porn stars, 3,234 reader's wives, 20,198
who enjoy football as well and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited,
and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.

And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of
those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only five instead of nine
of his friends got his original woman back, still in the old dressing
gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with
since he sent off his original woman moved out to live with his best
friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me
has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion.

Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to change your life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities that
are only of interest to women.

No obligations, no mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like
marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate...send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend or wife, you can send your vacuum
cleaner or iron-- one of the women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon be
undertaking!!
* * * * * * * * *
Why do kamikazie pilots wear helmets.?
* * * * * * * * *
When you open a tin of evaporated milk why is it still in the tin?
* * * * * * * * *
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this
thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the
light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
(Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an
answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at
the tone.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht
had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum
people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a
garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we
don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
* * * * * * * *
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
*I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response:
Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take the initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65. * You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management

* * * * * * * *
A very happy couple, on the eve of their wedding day, is killed by two stray bullets in a
robbery gone bad. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, "Please, sir, we
were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up here?"
"Well," St. Peter replies, "It's never been done but I'll check into it."
Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, "Okay, you can get
married now."
A couple of months pass and the happy couple isn't so happy anymore.
"Please, St. Peter," the man complains, "my wife is driving me insane. If we weren't dead
already I'd have to kill her."
"Okay, okay," St. Peter replies, "I'll see what I can do."
A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks down the bitterly feuding couple again to share
the good news.
"That's great sir," the man exclaims, "but why did it take so long to get married and even
longer to divorce?"
"Well," St. Peter replies, "it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die.
How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?"
* * * * * * * *
??? ANOTHER TRUE STORY???
It is reported that English sailing vessels transporting dried and bundled
fertilizer originally labeled each bundle "Ship High In Transit" so that
they would be placed in the hold off the deck where the bundles would not
get wet and consequently give off an offensive odor and/or toxic gas. Since
many sailors could not read or understand the four words, the bundles were
broken down to the abbreviation "S.H.I.T." and sailors were trained to
recognize the familiar four letters.
* * * * * * * *
Jerry worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
> number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
> he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
> the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
> therapist to talk about it, but Jerry indicated that he'd be too
> embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day
>
> a few weeks later, Jerry came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
> see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
> Jerry?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
> tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Jerry,
> you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Jerry, what happened?" "I got
> fired." "No, Jerry. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
>
> "Oh...she got fired too."
* * * * * * * *
EVE's VERSION

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights --everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain" reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body (such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it.

That is a fair point, "replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you....Now let's see...Where did I put that useless tit?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?
* * * * * * * *
> >There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden
> > >frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more
> > >amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't
> > >often meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells
> > >them
> > >that they can have 3 wishes each.
> > >The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be
> > >female. Which the frog immediately does.
> > >The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one
> > >appears, which he places on his head.
> > >The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks
> > >that all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and
> > >thus it is so!
> > >The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears
> > >before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.
> > >The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has
> > >wasted two wishes that he could of had for himself.
> > >Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the other bears
> > >in the world be female as well. The frog replies that it has been
> > >done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.
> > >The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says:
> > >"I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as
> > >he can!
* * * * * * * *
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Weaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Review Weekly.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
* * * * * * * *
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd want
to have dinner with.
* * * * * * * *
One morning while making breakfast,

Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

* * * * * * * *
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a
huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the little white guy and says:
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown".
The little white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the little white guy.
"What's wrong?".
The small white guy says;
"Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
my name is Turner Brown."
The little white guy says, "Thank god,
I thought you said 'Turn around'."

* * JanUary '06 JoKes * *

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite
being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to
her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of
mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half
an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls
in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla,that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... "I know
Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de
other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
Scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet!".

* * * * * * * *

Dear Colleagues:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from
some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of
being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
coworkers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided
so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fu * k do you expect me to do this?
_______

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
INSTEAD OF:
No fu * king way
_______

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh * tting me
_______

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit
_______

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fu * king problem
_______

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
INSTEAD OF:
This sh * t won't work
_______

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner
_______

TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass
_______

TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass
_______

TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment
INSTEAD OF:
Fu * k that, I'm on salary
_______

TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss
_______

TRY SAYING:
I see, I see
INSTEAD OF:
Well....f***ck me dead!
_______

TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick
_______

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training
INSTEAD OF:
Do you know what the fu * k you're doing?

Thank You,
Human Resources
* * * * * * * *
Q. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

A. She threw out all the W's!

* * * * * * * *
Things it took me 60 years to learn

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

* * * * * * * *
THIS IS SO NEAT!
Survivors

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said.
The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park, told
AFP.

"After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, ! eat and sleep together," the ecologist added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.

* * * * * * * *
A burgular was going through the drawers of someone else's livingroom when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued.

"Jesus is watching you."

He turned and shone his torch across the room, eventually coming to rest on a parrot in the corner. He walked up to it and asked, "Did you say that?"

"Oh, yes." responded the parrot.

"So you can speak good English?"

"Yes, pretty good"

"What's your name?"

"Moses."

The burgular considered this, then replied, "What kind of IDIOT names a parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of idiot that names a rottweiler Jesus."

* * * * * * * *
· Subject: Children's science answers

If you need a smile then read through these
Children's Science Exam answers.
These are real answers given by children.
>>>
>>>
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>>>
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it
removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>>>
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
>>>
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.
>>>
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
>>>
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>>>
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
>>>
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
>>>
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
>>>
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
>>>
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
>>>
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
>>>
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
>>>
And finally the cream of the bunch
>>>
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

* * * * * * * *
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from,
back in Culbokie,
there's a better one. At the Culbokie Inn, ye buy a drink, ye buy
another drink, and the proprietor himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, zat's a nice bar, but where I come from,
zere's a better one. In Roma, zere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's,
you buy a drink,
Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you
anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin,
dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst
drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and
den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other
two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies
the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!".........

* * * * * * * *
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm
going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!!"

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of
rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" said George, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor. His arms were staked over his head. His legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky. She
was doing what she was famous for.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while. Finally he
said, "Yeah, I can handle that."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!!!"

* * * * * * * *
A cat dies and goes up to heaven. God meets him there and says, "Well how are things?" To which the cat says, "Terrible, I have never had a place to sleep and got hit with a broom every day". God says, "Well you've come to the right place, we will keep you very comfortable up here!" So the cat goes into heaven.

A few days later some mice die and go to heaven. God meets them there and asks how they are. They say, "Horrible. We have been on our feet forever running away from cats". God says, "Well you have come to the right place, you won't have to run anymore". The mice are relieved. They ask God for a favour. They ask him if they can ride around on rollerskates so they won't be tired. Of course, God agrees.

A week later God is walking around heaven and sees the cat. Asks how he is. The cat says, "Great, and those meals on wheels you've been sending me are delicious!"

* * * * * * * *
How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So........

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!

* * * * * * * *
My Investment secret

In 2001 if you had bought $1,000.00 of One-Tel stock, it would now be
worth about $9.00 to you as an unsecured creditor, if you are lucky.

In 2002 if you had bought HIH stock, you would have about $6.50 left
of the original $1,000.00.

In 2003 if you had gone overseas and bought ENRON you would have less
than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer only one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling
price, you would have $24.00.

Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.

* * * * * * * *
In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS A RE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

* * * * * * * *
Lastly ~ Happy New Year to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.

*Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

* Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

* I feel safer because of all the security warnings that you have kindly passed onto me direct from Microsoft. Fancy them emailing little old us!

* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the nnnth time).

* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this as an e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 13:00 PM tomorrow. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, and have a Happy New Year.