JOKES, JOKES, JOKES.

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
* * * * * * *
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
* * * * * * *
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy
* * * * * * *
Roy was out drinking with his mates and they were discussing sex as usaul. Roy decided that he liked the sound of the wheelbarrow position. When he got home, he started playing around with his very fit looking, blonde partner. After a short while, they were both up for it and Roy says. "Jackie, I'd like us to try out the wheelbarrow position." Jackie says. "The wheelbarrow position? what's that then?" Roy tells her. "You lie face down and I stand between your legs, then I pick you up, stick it in and bingo...awaaay we go." Jackie says. "Sounds great, but promise me one thing." Roy says. "Like what?" Blondie replies. "We don't go past my parents house."
* * * * * * *
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face
* * * * * * *
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have played cricket for England. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a West End star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday, he knew all about wine and which foods to order. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. But I'm married to his fuckin' widow."
* * * * * * *
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
* * * * * * *
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'
* * * * * * *
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
* * * * * * *
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'
The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

NOW hand me dat shovel.'
* * * * * * *
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
* * * * * * *
Memories?
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --My brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES
How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.
>
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!
* * * * * * *
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
* * * * * * *
Beer contains female hormones
Last month; Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
* * * * * * *
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham .
* * * * * * *
A man goes out golfing.

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.

"And that
is how the girl ended up in
my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
* * * * * * *
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
* * * * * * *
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own % ucking blanket.'
* * * * * * *
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
* * * * * * *
When I was a kid, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs.

The Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...
"The Magic Penis!'

The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated,
'The Magic Penis,'
and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said,
'Magic Penis, the door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said,
'Magic Penis, return to your box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days,
The Wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said

'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.

Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm

made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked her for her license,
then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said,
'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,,now I've heard them all Maam,
Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...
* * * * * * * * *
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

However, when they got home they found the Window Cleaner dead in the porch.
* * * * * * * * *
40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
* * * * * * * * *
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
* * * * * * * * *
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
Now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull
the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
Skin Extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my pussy and
stretching down to the inside of my cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the strip. SHIT! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
Strip!

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
Mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know
I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

I get in the bath - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilise surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the bath...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt Cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! Thank God I had brought my mobile phone in with me.

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter. 'So, my arse and fanny are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking
cheeks or hole or crack?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now
the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then.....
notice to my grief and despair....THE FUCKING HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL
OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
* * * * * * * * *
A young Chinese couple who are both waiters get married.

She's a virgin & truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss
anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for
her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
* * * * * * * * *
A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'
The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !' The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
* * * * * * * * *
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
* * * * * * * * *
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

The Manchester Utd Virus ... This is where your PC thinks it's far superior than any other PC and develops a complex disorder, except when the password LEEDS UNITED is entered .

The Alex Ferguson Virus ... The computer develops a continuous whining noise when losing power and will refuse to accept time outs even when being shut down.

The Berbatov Virus ... This affects newer PC's mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The Cantona Virus ... This one is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows ...

The Foster Virus .... This one's not particularly harmful - but you just can't save anything.

The Brown Virus ..... Just when you think things can't get any worse, this one pops up and causes a calamitous error.

The Nani Virus ... The computer develops a processor problem, whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.

The Man Utd Shirt Virus... This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months

Jan / Feb / March / April / May / June / July /August / Sept / Oct / Nov / Dec

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