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** FebrUary . 2012 . JoKes **

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Please, please, please make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
* * * * * * * * *
Paddy & The Hooker

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty quid ...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before,
but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'
* * * * * * * * *
Golden Oldie
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck... Get the fuck away from me.
* * * * * * * * *
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too fuckin late
and we're all gonna f*ckin' die.'
* * * * * * * * *
Ever since I was a child I've had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid
of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
I went to the local pub .....to think and the bartender ended up curing me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so?' 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

' Ain't nobody under there now! '
* * * * * * * * *
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
* * * * * * * * *
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the si nk, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATER MELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
* * * * * * * * *
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. A few seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Liverpool ...'

And they say blondes are dumb...
* * * * * * * * *
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with
the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them
in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke
no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the
rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head
to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to
the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi
pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at
every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three
days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that
the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were
staying right here.

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
* * * * * * * * *
A WOMAN'S POEM
>>
>> Before I lay me down to sleep,
>> I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
>> One who's handsome, smart and strong.
>> One who loves to listen long,
>> One who thinks before he speaks,
>> One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
>> I pray he's gainfully employed,
>> When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
>> Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
>> Massages my back and begs to do more.
>> Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
>> Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
>> I pray that this man will love me to no end,
>> And always be my very best friend.
>>
>>
>> A MAN'S POEM
>>
>> I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
>> huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
>> and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
>> doesn't rhyme and I don't give a cuss.
>> The End
* * * * * * * * *
Q. What food diminishes a womans' sex drive by 90%?
A. Wedding Cake.
* * * * * * * * *
A Busy Day In Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator........."
* * * * * * * * *
Did you hear about the newlywed dyslexic couple who were tragically killed on their honey moon?

They broke their necks trying to do a 96!
* * * * * * * * *
Personal ad

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?".

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
* * * * * * * * *
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

** FebrUary . 2011 . JoKes **

"WORDS WOMEN USE...."

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to
have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel
that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best
bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be
careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
tell you "Nothing."
* * * * * * * * *
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his
toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the
Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make
the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the
night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won
the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly
and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about
you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know,
he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
* * * * * * * * *
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a
dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see
who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and
saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the
ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes,
and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as
fertilizer on her roses.

He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching
a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage
for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second
day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for
a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed
it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told
him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime
back!"
* * * * * * * * *
"A WOMAN'S FACTS ABOUT MEN...."

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a
world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident
that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really
in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the
morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under
my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of
even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire
and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two
types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy
and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man.
Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never
seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a
black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains
three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right,"
and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-
butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen
the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I
emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to
have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've
already forgotten what happened
* * * * * * * * *
Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like
to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle
of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father
Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister
Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way
home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary
Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father
Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's
gonna shit!"
* * * * * * * * *
Who said men were afraid of the dentist???

The Millers were shown into the dentist's office
where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff."
"Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
dentist admiringly. "Now, let's look at your tooth?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife.
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
* * * * * * * * *
Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for
almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible
storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two
lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up
on the shore. The first lawyer asks the second lawyer,
"Think we should fuck her?", and the second lawyer replies,
"Outta what?".
* * * * * * * * *
TAKEN FROM JOB APPLICATIONS

QUALIFICATIONS:

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail."

EXPERIENCE:

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping.
I have never quit a job."

EDUCATION:

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

SPECIAL SKILLS:

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation."

REFERENCES:

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
* * * * * * * * *
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They
walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school."
He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?
"Those are for college men," the dad answers."Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the
dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for
February, one for...
* * * * * * * * *
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to
talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation
covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and
finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but
it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."
* * * * * * * * *
Pres' Bush got a telephone call from his Chief of Staff
telling him that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.
To everyones amazement, Bush breaks down in tears in great distress.
After a while he composes himself and asks: "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
* * * * * * * * *
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with
the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because
she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the
$5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him
so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
* * * * * * * * *
"TALKING CLOCK...."

After a night out, this guy decides to invite some friends back
to show off his new apartment. After the grand tour, the
visitors were puzzled by the presence of a large gong in
middle of the living room.

"What's that big gong do?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my talking clock" the gong's owner replied.

"How does it work?" the guest asked.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear- shattering
blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other
side of the wall screamed, "For God's sake will you stop banging
that gong, it's one-thirty in the damn morning!"
* * * * * * * * *
"MALE SENSITIVITY TEST...."

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find outabout.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a
little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

100's of FUNNYJOKES