Funny Jokes

I was SO... bullied at school, called all kinds of foul and cruel names.
But one day I turned to my bullies, I stood up to them ... like Dad told me to
and I shouted at them ...
'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me',
and it worked !!!!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
* * * * * * *
God said,
"Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said,
"Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said,
"Go down into that valley."
Adam said,
"What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said,
"Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

God explained to Adam what a cave was,

Then God said,
"In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said,
'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else,
God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river,
and over the hill,
into the cave,
and finds the woman

"What's a
headache?"
* * * * * * *
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the ***** thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

* * * * * * *
Subject: The gates of heaven

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go back to the gates and tell
them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a
dozen in

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But this cartoonist explained it very eloquently

* * * * * * *
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

O'Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, O'Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
* * * * * * *
Carmon and Bill, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Carmon didn't show up. Bill didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

But after Carmon hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bill really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bill didn't know where Carmon lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bill figured he had seen the last of Carmon, but one day,

Bill approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Carmon! Bill was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Carmon, what in the world happened to you?'

Carmon replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bill. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Carmon said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bill, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
* * * * * * *
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends.But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back , Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Murphy said, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."
* * * * * * *
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife Ros and I
went into Lismore and visited a shop.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an asshole . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Ros called him a shit head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

It's important at our age.
* * * * * * *
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
* * * * * * *
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

'No!' Donald quacked, 'I'll thuffocate.'
* * * * * * *
A FEW IRISH JOKES

The Irish have solved their fuel shortage problems. They imported 50 Million
Tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own Oil.

****

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for
A pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he
Said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
Wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I
Know, but she has a lovely personality.

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going
To commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
Herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck
Soldier on..!

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his
Feet. "What are you doing" he asks. "Hanging myself", Paddy replies. "It
Should be round your neck" says the guard. "I tried that" says paddy
"but I couldn't breathe".

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up
A nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing
This until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because
They're upside down!" says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy "Save
'em for the ceiling!!".

An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
* * * * * * * *
O'Toole and Murphy had spent their wages successfully getting drunk and were staggering back to their digs, completely bladdered. After a while, O'Toole realised that Murphy had stopped singing. He looked all around him, but couldn't see his pal anywhere. O'Toole started walking back the way they had come and as he approached an excavation at the roadside, he heard moaning noises. Looking over the barriers of the deep hole he saw Murphy lying at the bottom, moaning and groaning.
O'Toole gets out his mobile and manages to call for help. Having a good idea of what had happened the ambulance service operator tells him that someone will be there shortly. O'Toole asks if there is anything he can do to help his mate in the meantime. The operator says. " Are you able to get down the hole and support his head. " Murphy says. " To be sure an' no problem, Oi can do dat. "

The Paramedics arrived at the scene pretty quickly, leaped out with a stretcher and raced to the excavation. As they approached the barriers, they heard. " Two four six eight Murphys' head is doin great trae foive seven noine, Murphys' head is doin foine " two four six.................
* * * * * * * *
Medication for cats and dogs.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto
neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire service to retrieve the bastard fucking
moggy from hell from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little fuckers front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Ya can't make this stuff up!!

When Chicago resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.'
(That's at least is the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Chicago police said, 'It looked similar to high grade cocaine. They probably thought they'd hit the big time.'
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch-taped to the box was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.'
* * * * * * * *
The local kids were giving Paddy a load of cheek and one of them shouts. " Oy, Paddy, I looked through yer winder last night and saw yer old lady givin' youse a blowjob. " Paddy shouts back. " The joke's on youse smart arse, Oi wasn't home last noight. "
* * * * * * * *
A young man goes into a Chemist shop and asked to see the Pharmacist. A short while later a woman appeared and asked how she could help. the guy said that he didn't wish to appear to be rude, but could he speak to a male pharmacist. The woman told him that she and her sister owned the business and that they were the only two pharmacists there. The young man said that he was too embarrassed to discuss his problem with a lady and that he had had the same trouble regarding his doctor, who was female also. Now very curious as to this good looking young mans' problem of an embarrassing nature, the lady pharmacist assured him of their absolute professionalism and discretion in all their dealings with their highly valued customers.
Finally convinced, the young guy, somewhat reluctantly, told her of his problem. " I have a permanent erection, twenty four seven,
nothing, absolutely nothing that I do, including having sex marathons, has the slightest effect upon it. Can you give me anything for it. " The pharmacist said." Just a moment, I'll consult with my sister. " After a very short time she reappeared and said. We feel sure that we can manage free board and lodgings, a company car and three hundred pounds a week tax free, plus a sizeable productivity bonus, starting immediately. "

Note: This phenomena unfortunately only lasts for two years...usually from age 18 -20.
* * * * * * * *
A young wheeler and dealer was entertaining some businessmen in a top class London Hotel, trying hard to tie up a deal, but not quite able to convince them that he had the right sort of connections. He excused himself to take a leak and review the situation and just then saw Sir Alan Sugar coming out of the Mens room. He quickly introduced himself and explained that he was trying to close a deal that would put him on the map, but that he couldn't quite convince his potential backers of his business credibility. However, if, Sir Alan could just see his way to stopping briefly, as he walked past their table and simply say. " Nice to see you Ray, how are you keeping ? " it would definitely see him close the deal. Sir Alan said. "I like a guy who uses his initiative and can manipulate a situation to his own advantage. Sure, I'll do that for you, all the best on that deal of yours. " Ray thanks him profusely and returns to his table. Shortly afterwards, Sir Alan approaches them and they all go quiet and wide eyed as he nears their table. True to his word, the business tycoon says. " Nice to see you Ray, how are you keeping. " Ray looks at him and says. " Fuck off Al, can't you see I'm busy.
* * * * * * * *
Subject: Ferrari
>A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager.
>
>She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
>
>The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
>
>The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
>
>The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
>
>Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
>
>The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,
>and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
>
>The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'
>
>Hooray! A smart blonde joke at last!!
* * * * * * * *
A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest had struck up a conversation on a train. After a while, the Priest says, rather slyly, " Tell me Rabbi, have you ever been tempted to eat pork ? " The Rabbi answers. " Yes, I have been tempted in many things. " The Priest presses on. " And did you give in to temptation and try it ? " The Rabbi eyes him over his specs and says. " Just once, when I was very young and long before I became a Rabbi. " Then he was asked. " Did you like it at all ? " He replied truthfully. " Yes, it was quite nice. " The Priest sat back, looking a little smug. Then, the Rabbi asked the Priest if he had ever had sex with a woman whilst being a Priest.
The Priest coughed, tried feebly to laugh it off and change the subject,but the Rabbi wasn't having it and insisted upon a truthful answer. The Priest gives in and says. " Just the once. I was giving comfort to a young woman who had been deserted by her boyfriend and I went too far. " The Rabbi was triumphant. " It sure Beats Pork doesn't it ? "
* * * * * * * *
A little Greek girl is kneeling down to pray to the god Zeus.

"Dear Zeus...." she begins.

As the prayer progresses, she dwells on a thought he's had for some time and decides to ask him about it.

"Zeus," she asks "What would a million years to us feel like to you?"

Zeus says "A million years is like a second to me."

Then the little girl decides to ask "What would a million dollars be like to you?"

Zeus answers "A million dollars is like a penny to me."

So, getting a clever idea, the girl says "Zeus, may I have one of your dollars?"

To which Zeus replies "Sure,"

"Just give me a second."
* * * * * * * *
Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
* * * * * * * *
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
They decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,'Up or down ?'

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
Fuck or drown
* * * * * * * *
Every day, at work, a male worker joins the same female worker at the coffee machine. He sniffs deeply and says. " Your hair smells lovely. " Eventually, she complains to the Manager that a male fellow worker is sexually harassing her. When she give the reason, the Manager is a little confused. " How can someone who tells you that your hair smells lovely, everyday, be accused of sexual harassment. " he asks. The woman replies. " Because it's Kevin the midget who's saying it. "
* * * * * * * *
BEFORE MARRIAGE:

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