* * ApRiL '08 JoKes * *

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear a rumour.
In ancient Greece , Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
.
But:
.
.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

* * * * * * * * * * *

RAILROADS

Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built
the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may
be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. !
Now, the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

- And -
You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

There is a Site that runs a filthy Limerick competition each year and the winner gets quite a few good freebies. Every year, since the competition started, it has been won by the same guy, who calls himself FilthFun. This year though, he didn't win. Earlier this month, he was notified that he had been placed second. Well, FF could not believe it. In January, he had submitted his most spectacularly filthy Limerick to date, it really was incredibly filthy and he'd worked on it for ages. Although the winning verse was to be published next month, FF couldn't wait and contacted the editor and asked him to email the Limerick. The editor had to refuse. Rules are rules. FF then asked if it had been close and was stunned when told he was only a remote second. Again, FF couldn't believe it..f.....g REMOTE !...He asked if he could have the name and address of the winner and was given it because he was so well known. His world crashed when he he was told..Miss Rose Brown and given a remote Norfolk village address.

Unable to contain himself he hotfooted it to Norfolk and was even more astounded when he knocked on the pretty cottage door and it was opened by a little white haired old lady. " Miss Rose Brown ? " he asked. " Yes young man, how can I help. " He explained that he had always won etc., and despite his best yet, she had beaten him and pleaded that she tell her Limerick to him. "Oh, I couldn't possibly say it out loud, " she said. FF then came up with the idea that she could say da diddy in place of any filthy words, as being an expert himself he would of course, be able to mentally fill them in. The old lady agreed, because that way, she would only have to say the clean bits." Right, my dear, " she said, here goes.

" There was a young man called da diddy,
who, da diddy da diddy da diddy,
da diddy da da,
da diddy da da,
da diddy da diddy da bollocks "

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Putting Your Affairs In Order...

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

* * * *
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fuckin difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

* * * *
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

* * * *

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

* * * *

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

(Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same
sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'

* * * *

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRE TT Y GOOD..

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATT ER.

HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Joe had been caring for his frail mother for six years without a break and was finally persuaded to take a holiday by his only real friend, Gary. It was arranged for his Mum to go into care for a while and that Gary would keep an eye on her and the cat, making sure that the cat was given food and water each day. After Joe had been away for three days, he rang Gary and asked how things were. Gary, diplomacy not being his best suit, said. " Your Mum is ok, but the cat got killed by a car. " Joe was really upset, he loved his cat, it being mostly his only companion and he hated the thought of it being run over. He shouted. " You know I thought the world of that cat, you could have been a bit more sensitive and said that he was sunbathing on the roof and then next time I rang, you could have said that he'd had a heart attack and fallen off and so on, breaking it to me more gently. " Gary said that he was so sorry for being such a prat. A few days later, Joe rang again and asked how mum was doing. The cautious reply came. " Well, just at this moment.. she's up on the roof, sunbathing. "

* * * * * * * * * * * *
A young but very good ventriloquist was on stage performing his nightly routine, which his audience were really enjoying, when he cracked a couple of "dumb blonde " jokes with the dummy providing the punchline. A large blonde women in the third row jumped up and shouted. " Ok loudmouth, I've heard more than enough of your ridiculous, denigrating, jokes about blondes. What makes you think that we are all pathetically stupid and that you can stereotype us in this way. It's people like you that cause women to be disrespected in the community. You and your kind had better stop this continual discrimination against us. " The ventriloquist had never been subjected to this kind of outburst before and flustered, tries to apologise. The big blonde shouts. " You can shut your mouth as well..I'm talking to that little f***** on your knee. "

* * * * * * * * * * * *
Another ventriloquist joke.

A vetriloquist had arrived early for his performance at a large Country Club and after a couple of drinks, he decided to take a little stroll. Shortly, he came across a country bumkin and his dog, leaning on a five bar gate, staring raptly at some cattle and sheep. Deciding to have a bit of fun, the vent asks the bumpkin if his dog can talk. " Acarse `e carn't, `e's a darrg, " says the bumkin. The vent bends down and pats the dog and it says. " I can talk if I want to, but mostly I can't be bothered. " The rustics' eyes were popping out. "What about the cows, do they talk? " the vent says. "No, c,c,cows carn't torrk, " the bumkin says uncertainly. The nearest cow says. " I can talk if I feel like it, but most of the time I don't want to. " The simpletons' knees were buckling. The vent carries on. " What about the sheep, can they..." The rustic buts in, face white. " Mebbee thase can, but thase sheep are bloody liars. "

* * * * * * * * * * * *

A small boy was running around a supermarket whilst his mother was shopping and pretending he wasn't hers, when he spotted a ten pound note lying on the floor by a cash out. He ran up and quickly put his foot on top of it. A security guard saw this and went over to him and said. " Ok son, I saw that..foot off. " The kid replies. " You foot off, I thaw it firsth. "

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...!
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions
of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

* * ApRiL '07 JoKes * *

I was in ASDA the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog, and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story, and she was totally believing it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
how enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my bollocks when a car hit me".

Thanks Mike
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Law of Highway Biology: "The first bug to hit a clean
windshield lands directly in front of your eyes."

Thanks Sue
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Answering Machine...
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone.'

Thanks Jenny
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A Sweet Chocolaty Treat
Mr CADBURY met Ms ROWNTREE in a room on QUALITY STREET. It was AFTER EIGHT. He turned out the lights for a bit of BLACK MAGIC! He slipped his hands in her SNICKERS and showed his CURLY WURLY. Not keen to have his JELLY BABIES she let him take a trip up BOURNEVILLE BOULEVARD. She screamed with TURKISH DELIGHT! As he took out his fun sized MARS BAR, it felt a bit CRUNCHIE and she wanted some TIME OUT but he did a TWIRL and had a PICNIC in her PINK WAFERS!

Thanks Bob
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself.

1.. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 . "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3.. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island" at www.penisland.net

4.. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com

5.. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com

6.. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales , http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7.. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8.. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9.. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

Thanks Mike
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

three girls, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were getting chased by the
police.
The redhead jumps in a bin.The police come over to the bin and the redhead
says "woof woof" and pretends to be a dog.
The brunette jumps into another bin.The police come over to the bin and the
brunette sais"quack quack" and pretends to be a duck.
The blonde can't see any more bins so she jumps into a potato sack.The
police come over to the sack and the blonde says"potato potato"

Thanks L.P.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Q. How do you make a woman give up sex?
A. Marry her.

Q. What's the difference betw a woman and a typhoon?
A. Nothing. It starts w/ a blowjob and you end up losing your house.

Thanks Tom
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A man found his wife in bed with the next door neighbour. He shoved
him against the wall and aimed his shotgun at his testicles."I'm gonna blow your goddamn balls off you asshole!"
"Come on! I'm a sitting ducK! Gimme a sporting chance willya?"
"Alright! Swing 'em!"

Thanks Sam
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bigamy: One wife too many.
Monogamy: Refer to bigamy.

Thanks Thanks John
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A woman in a very tight mini-skirt walked up to a bus, and she found
it very difficult to board the high step. She reached back and
loosened the zip but still could not get her leg up.So she unzipped
again, but still it was too tight.
At this point she felt a firm pair of hands on her bum lift her up the
step. She turned to the man and said."How dare you!"
"Well, I thought you wouldn't mind after you unzipped my pants
twice."

Thanks Liz
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Politically correct usage when talking to/about females:

She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENT

Thanks Larry
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two women sitting in a room when one of them sees her husband
walking
down the garden path with a big bunch of flowers...
"Ohh shit", she says
"What's wrong?", enquires the other
"It's my husband, he's only gone and bought me a huge bunch of
flowers!"
"What's wrong with that? If my husband did gave me a bunch of
flowers
I'd be really pleased"
"Well it's not that I don't like the flowers, it just means I
have to
spend all night in bed with my legs in the air"
So the other woman says..
"Haven't you got a vase?"

Thanks Anon
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A lady goes to the doctors with a problem:-
"Doctor, I have a bit of a flatulence. (parp) It's not
a severe problem because they're quite silent (parp)
and they don't smell at all, but (parp)sometimes when
I'm wearing a summery dress, it can balloon a little
(parp) which can be a little embarrassing when I'm in
company."
The doctor listens patiently and prescribes some
tablets saying "These should help. Come back and see
me in a week."
A week passes and the lady returns to the doctor in
something of a state, "You've got to help me, doctor.
My wind is just as frequent as it always was, but now
(parp) they smell AWFUL."
"Well," says the doctor, "That's got your nose problem
sorted, now let's see what we can do about your ears."

Thanks Julie
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

>>Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
>>dinner.
>>
>>His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time
>>to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
>>birthday."
>>
>>Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
>>He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
>>Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
>>bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
>>
>>Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect
>>on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and
>>tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday
>>
>>Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
>>write God a letter.
>>LETTER 1:
>>Dear God:
>>I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike
>>for my birthday. I want a red one.
>>Your friend,
>>Leroy
>>
>>Leroy knew this wasn't true.
>>He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the
>>letter and started over.
>>
>>LETTER 2:
>>Dear God:
>>This is your friend Leroy.
>>I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red
>>bike for my birthday.
>> Thank you,
>>Leroy
>>
>>Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and
>>started again.
>>
>>LETTER 3:
>>Dear God:
>>I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red
>>bike for my birthday.
>> Leroy
>>Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he
>>wrote another letter.
>>
>>LETTER 4:
>>Dear God:
>>I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
>>I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my
>>birthday.
>> Thank you,
>>Leroy
>> Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to
>>get him a bike.
>>
>>By now, Leroy was very upset.
>>He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
>>church.
>> Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very
>>sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
>>
>> Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
>> He looked around to see if anyone was there.
>>He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
>>He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down
>>the street, into his house, and up to his room.
>>
>>He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper
>>and a pen.
>>
>>Leroy began to write his letter to God.
>>
>>LETTER 5:
>>I GOT YOUR MAMA.
>>
>>IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Thanks Nat
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

* * ApRiL '06 JoKes * *

How about this one for Fairy Tale week?

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,
appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
lifesince I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and
after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to
mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold!

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail old body,
and said,"I wish I were young and full of
the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young
man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, & held her close
in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
* * * * * * * * *
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
* * * * * * * * *
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2.. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
3. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
4. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
5. All wives are alike. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
6. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
7. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Many say monogamy is the same.
9. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
10. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
11. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,"Dust!"
12. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
13. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
15. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* * * * * * * * *
Many, many years ago when I was twenty three I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
* * * * * * * * *
Royal Navy and Marines Fitness Reports

> The British Military writes EPRs and officer fitness reports. The form
> used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following
> are ACTUAL EXCERPTS taken from people's "206's"....

> * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
> * I would not breed from this Officer.
> * This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
> definitely won't-be.
> * When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
> whichever foot was previously in there.
> * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
> satisfaction.
> * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
> * Technically sound, but socially impossible.
> * This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
> around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
> * This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
> * When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
> since then he has aged considerably.
> * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to
> dig.
> * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
> achieve them.
> * He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
> * This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
> * In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
> feet.
> * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
> * The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
> * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
> in a trap.
* * * * * * * * *
Bizzare Sex Facts
· In India its cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than it is to buy a condom.
· Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
· In the U.S., there is, on average, three sex change operations per day.
· Sex burns 360 calories per hour
· More than 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual positions
· Evertime poeple kiss more than 270 type of bacteria re exchanged
· The largest known penis to mankind was measured at 13.5 inches erect.
· A man's ejaculation travels at a speed of 27mph!
· Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US.
· "Hockey" is archaic slang for "semen."
The odest virgin is rumored to be Sir Isaac Newton who died a virgin at the age of 85.
* * * * * * * * *
Useful Phrases at Work

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10) Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
* * * * * * * * *
In the Beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with a cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light," and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing lasting 10-12 months. At this point God created Hell.
* * * * * * * * *
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is neccessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
* * * * * * * * *
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today !"
* * * * * * * * *
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals
and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
* * * * * * * * *
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great, but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well...you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman."
* * * * * * * * *
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," He then turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine over the week until on Friday, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the
man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a Litre of milk or a BMW, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with big hips, long legs and who always agrees with everything I say."
* * * * * * * * *
In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker RIP.
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had
tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg
and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the
stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the
sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny.

A big thanks to Claire, Von, Jackie, Rocko, Jim, Jenny, Sylv, Jeff, Ken and Rhenny for the above funnies!!